layers

I am such a bad blogger lately.  It has been over a month since my last post.  Sure I have had lots going on but blogging is a release for me so I should not let it go. this is what happens when 'life" takes over.  I shut down from posting.  I want to shut down from life.  I want to revert back to doing things the way I used to do.

Because it is what I am used to.  Because it is comfortable.  Because it is how I have coped with everything bad that life throws at me.

Then I remember the chaos it causes.  The irreversible damage it does to anybody within the walls of my home.  The agony it causes inside my soul.

the co-dependence is being shed in layers.  Every layer that is shed brings to light new ways I need to retrain my brain to healthier ways of thinking.  

The first layer came when my world turned upside down in March.   I finally came to the place I had no power over things going on with people around me.

The next layer came after a couple months of starting Alanon, working my steps, and coming to the realization the only person I can change is me.  I had to have the "Spiritual Awakening" to all the manipulating I did to all around me to get them to do what I wanted because everybody should do things the way I think they should.  It was then that I decided no more enabling and no more getting upset if the people in my life do things they way they want not the way I think they should. It was so freeing to stop taking responsibility for others and what they do.  I also started learning things about myself, what I liked and disliked, and standing up for me.  This is because for years I never knew what I wanted or liked.  I did and liked what everybody else thought I should and changed what I liked based on the people I was hanging around out of fear of not being loved.

The book that changed my life

  Things I had been taught in Christian circles have just been wrong and learned it is OK for me to set up boundaries and still be living biblical principles.   Because there has been such false teaching on forgiveness and reconciliation.  Most teachings are this is one and the same.  They are not.
Forgiveness means I release the person from a debt they owe me.  I have to do that.  God says.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

If I choose to not to forgive, it means I want something from that person.  My opinion,in most cases, that means revenge (with me that meant staying mad at them and having not so nice thoughts of what God should do to them or allow to happen), and that allows me to be controlled by that person. Forgiving sets me free.

Reconciliation or restoration comes when the other person and myself have truly owned up to our part of the problem.  I can not be the only one to do this.   Even God does not reconcile with everybody only those that are willing.  He forgives all but does not reconcile with all..  Forgiveness takes one person-me.  Reconciliation takes two -me and the other person.  This reconciliation takes time.  Once trust is broken, especially over and over again, it takes time to trust again.  The other person needs to own their behavior and then truly repent, which means to truly turn and do the opposite of what they were doing.

Fruit will be produced in keeping with repentance Matt 3:8.

Sometimes this takes weeks, months, or even years to happen.

I have made this mistake of confusing forgiveness and reconciliation as one and the same  too many, many times and when rushing reconciliation before it should happen ugly cycles have repeated themselves. Hence, I remove the boundaries and do the same things over and over again and expect something different to happen.

This time I choose to have boundaries in place.  I wait for the trust to be built which is slowly happening.  I am in no mood to rush it like I always have.  I live in today.  Today things are good.  I deal with things as they come up instead of letting them turn into resentments that lead to bitterness and "my crazy".

I learn to say how I feel, not what I think others are feeling, and leave it at that.  They get to choose what to do with it.  I get to choose how to respond.  This even applies to my children.  I no longer tell them they can't do that or be a certain way.  I simply tell them if they choose the behavior, they get a consequence.  I don't do this perfectly.  But I get better at it everyday.  My home is becoming more peaceful everyday.  The people that live in it are happier.

I choose to live in today.  I choose to be responsible to the people in my life not for them.   I choose to forgive and not be resentful.   I choose to respond and not react.  I choose to live in today.

unleash and surrender

That has pretty much just been my life theme.  I wish I could have just done it all at once but then again I would not be the person I am today if so.  God's timing.

I have gifts.  Gifts that have come from God.  Every believer has them.

^{1 Corinithians 12:4-11}

⁴ There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. ⁵ There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. ⁶ There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

⁷ Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,^[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.^[b] 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

 Not every believer lets go of the control to let them come to full fruition, like me, until last Tuesday.  I am currently attending this bible study on the Holy Spirit.    We have learned who He is and how he functions.  We have studied on things that are controversial and received clarification.  It was straight out of the bible and not somebody's expert opinion or from a book somebody wrote.  I am not here to talk about the controversial and sensitive things.  I am not here to argue semantics.  I am here to give my testimony and experience.

One gift I know I received for sure was a gift of intercession/faith.  I can be so compassionate for others needs even when I am not told by that person.  Normally I just pray to myself and don't let the other person know.  God puts things on my heart that I have ignored because what if I am wrong and I go to that person and tell them what I feel God has told me.  They will get mad or think I am crazy.  Then I am kicking myself for not stepping out in faith to pray with them. There are times when I am not exactly accurate but there are times when it is spot on and it used to just freak me out.  A couple examples:

A friend tells me her ex-husband is suffering from stage 4 colon cancer.  God puts it on my heart to pray for the reconciliation of their marriage and for changes in him to become the man that God has called him to be.  I was also told to make a prayer shawl in purple and to have it prayed over for complete healing.  His favorite color is purple, he is a different person, and they are working towards reconciliation. None of these things were told to me, by her, until weeks later.

A couple that I have not talked to in months was put on my heart that they were going to conceive.  The next day she puts up on her Facebook a picture of her pregnancy test.

I could never let go of the control that this is just beyond what I can comprehend.   That this can not be possible.  That mostly I am so not even worthy of praying for others and have prayers answered when I know me.  I know who I am without Christ.  I am not all that.  I do not deserve  the honor. ....

then I look at who he did use:

David a man called by God himself...."a man after my own heart" yet commits adultery, murders, and basically has a Jerry Springer family down the line

Peter.....who always put his foot in his mouth and even denied knowing the man that was God himself in human flesh

Paul.....who murdered christians and was still called by God to be one of the greatest apostles...EVER.

Jonah....who tried to run from doing God's will and then did not want to pray for repentance because he knew God would answer that prayer.  (I can relate)

So why on earth do I think God can't use me and in ways that just make me stand in awe of who He is.

See here is why.  I let my own addiction of co dependence squelch the Spirit from doing anything for 15 years.  Yes I am and have been saved but the Holy Spirit's power could not be unleashed fully until I let go of the control that I never had but thought I did to Him. Tuesday, I get confirmation from  dear friend who speaks right to me and tells me things about me and other things going on that I have not told one single person.   Yesterday at church we get challenged to be courageous and just openly pray and give testimony.  I did both.  then a man gets up there and looks at me and tells me not to fear and just let the Holy Spirit do what I have been gifted to do.  I have never talked to Him in my life.    Pretty much what my friend told me as well.  These two don't run in the same circle of friends.  shall I quote 'here's your sign"  

Another gift I received that I prayed for.  the ability to sing.  I did chorus and band.  I was a good flute player.  Singing however was not something I could do.  I could not be in tune.  I desired this gift desperately.  I prayed for years for it.  It was not until I went on the Walk to Emmaus retreat and while laying face down on the floor for God to just do things in me and change me.  To just have God be in complete control.  That I soon noticed that ability.  Then about a year later I was able to start singing harmony.    Again. I let fear and confidence in my ability stop me from pursuing using it, until God just continued pressing on my heart to do something about it.  So I stepped out and was on a worship team here at my previous church before the one I attend now.   Right now, it is not what I am supposed to do.  God has other plans for the moment where I am at.  He just keeps saying wait.  so I wait......and in the meantime just live out in faith.

switched

This week starts the new adventure for my children.  WEe have switched from home school to sending them to public school.  A few have asked why.  I am sure many more wonder but don't know how to ask.  There are many reasons for doing so.  Here is our story as to why...

My life for many years has been chaos and me trying to control the chaos.  This scenario makes it impossible to home school effectively.  Most reading this know what I have been healed from..  go here to find out what.  I have had to rescue my children from everything.  every hurt, every obstacle, and every discomfort.  I took on every single thing as if it were me going through it.  My children have learned behaviors in how to deal with life and not in a good way.  This is being remedied.

I have not always home schooled.  I sent my two older ones to a private school on a voucher for a few years.  They went to a half year of public school.  Janessa was in third grade and Abby was in second when I pulled them out.  I pulled Janessa out over Christmas break because she was having major listening and paying attention issues.  She was defiant.  I could not admit this then.  I said "Not my child.  My child is not and that teacher is crazy.  This is an injustice and I will now home school her. "  We then pulled Abby out a couple months later over spring break due to me having to drive her 20 min there and back because I did not want her going to a school in my neighborhood that I was convinced was just atrocious. ( I don't even know if this is true) So we made the adventure and I was very set on doing it a certain way and achieving absolute perfection.  The pressure on them was just ridiculous.  There was no room for creativity and being open to learning different ways.  We also never really went anywhere or did many activities that I am sure they would love to be involved with due to my own mental state.  I made everything look all together and controlled and to all looking seemed like it was all going perfectly.  Meanwhile, it was chaos.  There was lots of yelling  and lots of expectations.  Lots of just doing paperwork only and that is how we do school...PERIOD.    For three and a half years this is what we did.  Me expecting perfection, and due to this holding them back from excelling greatly.  So they are behind their peers when it comes to math a couple years.  So after my eyes have been opened to how I have been, I came to the realization that me continuing to home school them is just not fair to them.  I have not challenged them enough.  I have not let them fail to be able to learn form their mistakes.  I have kept them from doing fun projects and experiments because  " I am not that mom"   I have kept them from interacting with other children as much has possible unless it was controlled by me because I feared them turning into an after school tv special.   I had to swallow my pride and realize I have done so much wrong to them.  I have dealt with so much guilt in my mistakes of what I have done to them.  It is a process of me learning to let it go in my healing.  I know that they will grow past this and become who God intends them to be and not repeat "the crazy"  This is just me sharing my heart.

I held on to the control of doing this because I convinced my self of many lies.

1.  my children just can't handle it out there.  It is scary.  they can't handle what is out there.  I must protect them from it.  (I have not given my children enough credit in their abilities and strengths)

2.  what on earth will my home school mom friends think when I decide to switch? I can't let them think I am incapable of this (this is so not even remotely true)

3.  what will the non home school moms think after I have been so against public school for this many years and how home school is soooooo much better for every child that I am now sending them to school? ( I apologize for that attitude to any of you reading this on the receiving end of that one.)

these three lies just made me stuck.    It was not until I started healing my mind that I could let go of them and realize these three truths

1.  My children are strong and capable of handling whatever comes their way and with the guidance of Doug and I can guide them into being everything God intends them to be

2.  It does not matter what anybody thinks.  I am doing what is best and what will work for our family.

3.  Home schooling is wonderful when it is done in a well balanced household with healthy minded parents.  I truly am in awe and amazed when I see a great effective home school family.   It truly is a wonderful blessing that can be fun and amazing.  Public school is not evil and there are issues but we can work through them.  I will be an involved parent and be my child's advocate.

so we start the new adventure.  We look forward to many more.  Many more God filled and God glorifying experiences.  Things that people will look at and say "only God".  Because there is no other explanation of how we are where we are.