Memorial Day thoughts

So today is Memorial Day.  This year it has completely new meaning for me.  It was not until my husband joined the army that I started to grasp what it truly means.  To some it means no school.  To some it means BBQ and family time.  For me in one way, it is an easy way to remember when the pool opens here on post.  For us it is all these things, but this year in particular I am reminded of what it is for because it is personal.  I guess it always should have been .  I did have a cousin who lost his life in the Vietnam War but I was not even born when that happened and it was never really talked about nor do I know much about him.  I have seen a picture of him and all I knew is that he died in the war.  Today I remember SFC Clifford Beattie.  This year I can say I know somebody who sacrificed his life for our freedom.   news article on him  I am thankful for all those that sacrificed.  I am also thankful that my husband gets to come home soon.  This leads to slight "army wife guilt" because I know there are those, like Karen, who will not have that privilege.   I will be bittersweet today.  I will be more quiet and reflective than I normally am, I may even shed some more tears today as I still process this.  It is so unfair but war never is.  It would be nice if we could all work it out like kids in the sandbox but that is not reality.  The reality is that war is sometimes necessary.  You reading this may not agree with it or why we are there.  I don't like we are there.  I do however enjoy posting blogs, enjoy being able to express my opinion, enjoy being able to worship God without fear of death, enjoy wearing whatever clothes I feel like and not having to cover up every ounce of skin, and I enjoy that I get to call myself an American.   That is what soldiers are defending.  So pause today while doing what you are doing and be thankful for our military in what they do and have done, especially those who have lost their lives defending it.

marriage in this deployment

My heart is just filled to the brim in writing this today.  I hope it gives encouragement.  Marriages in deployment go through changes.  some of them are good.  some of them not so good.  Ours thankfully is good and for us, even stronger.  There are the horror stories you hear which makes some husbands fearful, and rightfully so.  We as wives get a power of attorney.  This is intended for our protection and to be able to handle things when they arise such as financial, car insurance, car loans, military ID etc., moving.  Well on the very bad extreme some wives have been known to clear housing, drain the bank accounts, and move as if they did not exist.  The soldier comes home to no home and no money.   Some spouses cheat on each other whether in secret or in the open.  Some soldiers come home and wonder what happened to all that extra deployment money.  thankfully, I can say, that none of these things happened with us.  For us this deployment has changed both of us.  It has made us both better to each other.  We are better than ever before in communicating.  We are better than ever before in the area of finances and understanding each other.  The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.   Sometimes it takes a separation that you did not choose to do, to realize what you are missing.

how i have dealt

These past 10 months have been the slowest yet the fastest of my life.  A lot of people wonder "how does one do this?"  For me I am pretty independent.  I love my husband but he is not what makes me live.  I hear of so many wives who "freak out" and get such undo anxiety due to their husband leaving.  It is like their world ends and they can not continue on unless he is there stuck like an added appendage.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss him.  There are days that I ache for him to be here.  There are days that there were tears because I don't think I can continue in this deployment one more day by myself.  I keep busy.  I go to school.  I raise four children.  I home school three of them and the fourth one is a baby who is in constant need of something.  I crochet.  I read.  I run 3 miles 3 - 4 days a week.  I Zumba with my Wii.  I blog.  I Facebook.  I bible study.  I go to church.  I force myself to socialize when I would rather be a hermit.  This is because my children have friends and I am forced to meet their parents.  I have this rule where my children can not go to another child's house until I meet the parents.  That way if I get the feeling about them that I don't like I can say "no, you cant go there"  Being a hermit would be easy.  Putting myself out there is not.  Yes I am an extrovert but I also am a "sensitive extrovert"  I am not shy but i do not like to get hurt or burned.  I like to think that all are like me and would never intentionally cause pain to me emotionally.  I am wary with trusting others due to this.  It is my protective shield for my heart.  It is why I am slow at becoming close and opening up to people.  It is why I am OK with a handful of friends.  It is why I usually hang out in groups of people and not one on one.  It is something I am daily working to overcome.  It prevents me from helping others in need.  I also daily work on forgiving wrongs done to me.  Eventually it will be true.  It is healing for me because I know that God commands it and in the end unforgiving only hurts me.

we have almost made it

We have almost made it.  We have a couple more weeks.  I have done my 1st deployment.  IF we stay in the army, it will not be my last.  It is the life of an army wife.  The past 11 months I have done the job of two parents.  I commend single mom's.  There were days I thought I can not do this.  the difference is I still have the privilege of staying home and a steady paycheck.  Single Moms or Dads, for that matter, don't have that luxury.  They have to go to work and child support is something that is not always there.  There is also not the emotional support either.  Even though my husband is half way across the world I still have him to encourage me and  support me.  So if you are wondering how I have been able to make it and not be found drooling in the corner talking to myself, that is how.  I have the support of a wonderful husband.  He encourages me when I am stressed.  He encourages me when I deal with slander and gossip.  He is romantic and knows my love language and has learned to speak it. (good thing it is words of affirmation and not gifts or we would be bankrupt)  I am thankful for skype, Facebook, and IM.  I am thankful when he does get to call a few times a week to hear his voice even if it is not always clear.  I am thankful we are NOT doing this 30 years ago where I probably would not have the opportunities I do today.  I am thankful for technology.  He helps me to strive to be better and to be strong.  He even when coming home for his R&R did not sit and do nothing which I totally expected and would have been fine with.  He let me nap.  He did housework.  He took the kids out.  He is everything I could have ever asked for in a husband, father, and friend.  I love him.  I truly love him.  This love is not that feeling you have when first dating or even first married.  It is something that can not be expressed into words.  It is something that has developed over time.  It is something I am thankful for and am glad that even when things seemed hopeless, at one point, it has gotten us through and can look back and say "so glad we did not give up and call it quits."  The love we have is "the real deal".

so I blog.....

so I blog today.  I tend to need to not do it as much as I would like until something tragic happens.  the tragedy did not happen to me.  the tragedy happened to one of my dear friends. Her brother -n -law.  He died serving this country.  He died in the same country my husband is in now.  He died by getting hit with an IED which is what my husband deals with everyday practically.  (I however like to pretend he rides unicorns and dances with leprechauns and throws glitter) Am I worried now it will happen to him? Not anymore than I do daily.  I actually don't even consider it worry, more concern.  I can't go there.  It won't do any good.  I can not control what goes on there so to worry is just pointless and will cause undo stress.  My four children need me to be strong and be calm.  It just hit so close and causes extreme empathy.  I feel for her and I hurt for her and my friend's family.  I can only slightly begin to imagine the grief and heartache but even then it is not the same and I do not fully have a grasp on what they are going through.  This could happen to us.  non combat zone my patootie.  I do wish he were here today more than ever.  I do only have a few more mere weeks when he actually will be.  I have Christ to cling to.  He has taken the tears I have shed today, the questions and the words of the unfairness of this, and the words I will not write or repeat of what I think of the terrorists.  Christ can take it.  Christ gives me the hope I need to continue on these next few weeks which will seem like they are going to drag.  It is the life if the army wife.  It is not ideal.  It is not what I always want but it is the life I have at the moment.  It is never constant.  It is never anything I can exactly plan for.  It is never anything I expect to be .  It has most importantly to completely trust God to take care of our needs and dependence on Him.  that is what I desire.  If it takes me being in this army life to do that, then I will do it proudly and until God says otherwise.