beautiful Chaos

I am in the midst of some beautiful chaos.  This week we have added two extra children.  My niece who is two and my nephew who is nine months.  It has been great.  We are enjoying them.  They are wonderful children.  We are getting to know them well and it is a blessing.  We have them because My sis n law and bro n law went to Guatemala for a mission trip to serve.  Of course this makes Satan , so not happy.  SO what happens the day they arrive; Charlotte gets a fever and the next day ends up in urgent care with strep throat and ear infection.    Tuesday she is back to the doctor a yeast infection due to the antibiotics.  Yesterday, Abby went to the Dr. for an ear infection and a 55 gallon fish tank leaked all over my floor.  Let me rephrase that, cascaded water like a beautiful waterfall and made a river in my front room.  It was lovely. We got canoes and went for a ride.  Well, obviously not.  I thought words I don't like to think.  I threw things out my front door with force.  I was at my limit. Death wishes were thought towards the turtle.  Words were said that could have been expressed better to the dear husband if I was not at this point.  Thankfully he forgives. 


So I carry on.  I press forward and enjoy this new day.  whatever it brings.  Because, I  fight the fight.  I don't give up, even when it seems impossible.  I press forward even when I want to go in the car and drive away.  It is what i am called to do.  I am called to serve others.  I am called to show Jesus even when chaos surrounds me.  

Just here

There are days I am just here.  There are days when no matter what I do or feel God seems like he is a million miles away.  There are days when I feel like He does not hear.  there are days when I don't feel like I can get filled enough with the Holy Spirit.  There are days when I don't feel his presence.  Today is just one of those days.  These are the days I rely on what I know in my head. These are the days that I remind myself about the Israelite's not hearing from God for 400 years. So if they can go 400 years without hearing form him certainly I can go a few days not "feeling" Him.  These are the days I blast worship music and pour into His Word.  These are the days I just trust what truth is and not my feelings.  My feelings are not always truth.  His word is.  His word I can depend on.  It is days like these where I read things like this:

"Soon I will die, going the way of everything on earth. Deep in your hearts you know that every promise of the LORD your God has come true. Not a single one has failed!  Joshua 23:14

No, I am not dying, but deep in my heart God's promises are true and don't fail.  These are the days I have lyrics running through my head to remind me:

"Tell me, once again 

Who I am to You, who I am to You 

Tell me, lest I forget 

Who I am to You, that I belong to You 

To You "

These are the days when I hear the perfect song that speaks right to my heart and let's me know He is there despite not feeling it.  

forced rest

My life is on constant go.  A list of things I have to do.  A list of things I want to do.  I love it.  I chose it.  I am not complaining about it.  There are times though it becomes overwhelming and God forces me to stop.  Abruptly.  I attempted a run last night.  I have started back after a couple weeks off and have ran 2 miles every day except two day last week.  Last night I was going to run 2.5 miles.    After one mile I cramped bad and had to stop and then realized how exhausted I was.  I also had been sneezing on and off all day.  So I came home and told the hubby I am exhausted.  I am taking a shower and going to bed.  This was at 7:30.  HI graciously helped with the children and got them to bed.  I was asleep by 8:30ish and woke up at 6:30 this morning.  I am refreshed and ready to go.  There are times when this is needed.  There are times when we as Mom's feel guilty when we do.  I DO NOT.  I have learned that there are things that can just wait.  There are things, and  I know this may be shocking, my husband and children can do without me.  We as wives and moms put to much pressure on ourselves and think we have to do it all and  do it perfectly.  When I start walking on water, I will do it perfectly.   Until then I will let the perfect One perfect me until it is time to be called home.

living in Grace

Somebody said something yesterday that made me think. I am not quoting exactly but here is the gist, I have a problem with so called Christians that want to tell others how they should live but their lives are a complete mess. I could not agree more. I want to live a life that is filled with grace and I extend that grace to others. Too many times I have been guilty of saying things and telling others how they should live by my standards when my life does not exactly live the way I am saying they should be. there are also too many times I see "Facebook arguments" from Christians that turn into attacking the person, not the issue, who does not agree with their point of view. I want to see others as Jesus sees them. I want to not put God in my own box and tell others this is how YOU should live based on what others have taught me because it is based on a twisted view of a bible verse to justify how they think things should be done. I want others to see I live for Jesus not just hear the words. I want the opportunities that come up where I share my testimony and the truth to be God ordained not "Tory ordained" I want the words I speak in these situations to come from God not from me. Because if they come from me, they are going to come off as judgy. I am going to come off as argumentative. I am not going to show grace and people will be turned off. However, there are standards that God has that I know are true and need to be lived by. There are issues in today's society that are just not politically correct that go against what the Word says is true. I stand by those. I believe that God's Word is truth. I will not argue my points with somebody who believes otherwise. It will make me look ridiculous. So I will fight on my knees by praying for truth to be revealed. I will take responsibility at the polls when I vote. I will tell others my testimony and where I get my peace in the difficult situations when the opportunity arises. It is what I am called to do. It is not my job to ensure other people do what I think God says they should. God does a pretty good job of conviction Himself being the creator of this entire universe. The only people that I need to make sure live the way they are supposed to are the little people that live in my own house that I am training to become responsible adults. This is something God is working in me. I want every person I come in contact with to see "something different.something desirable." I want every person to see that my walk with Jesus is real. I do not want to turn others away because I act one way and say something else. I do not want to judge other people. I do not want the words I type or say to seem like I am. I want to live full of grace and extend that grace to every person around me.

Light Bulb Moments

I love light bulb moments.  The moments that give you realizations you never thought of.  I am currently reading Numbers in the Bible.  This book is just plain tedious, detailed, and let's face it, not exciting.  There are many rules and  regulations.  there are many references to whose clan came from who.  While reading today, I was thinking "this will never end.  I am not that interested in who came from who and why you have to sacrifice this and that, very specifically."  Then I realized I holding a book that was written thousands of years ago.  I am reading a book that has stood the test of time.  I am reading a book that was actually spoken By God himself.  Well then, I have new perspective.

 I  realized God is pretty serious about his Holiness.  So much so, that sacrifice needs to be made to be pure and holy before a God that loves us and wants fellowship with us.  How cool that God talked to Moses like I talk to my friends everyday.  He is also repeats a few times about Aaron's sons using unauthorized fire which means that must be pretty important on being obedient to what God says exactly.

I realize that God is pretty serious and means what he says.  So much so that because Moses did not follow an instruction exactly and sinned, he was denied access to the Promise Land.  I also realized that he accepted this consequence without argument and without tantrum or question.  HE continues to do what God asks of him and communicates with him directly, like a friend.  No complaints.  no shouts of "that is not fair"  unlike most of us, that want to tell God what is fair and what is not because we put Him in our own box of how we think he should be and not who He actually is.

I realize I am thankful, that I am on this side of the cross.  that Jesus made the final and only atoning sacrifice we needs so I don't have to do wave offerings, sin offerings,  grain offerings, etc. etc. etc. to be purified and made whole again to be in the presence of a very holy God.

I am truly in awe of who God is.   For that I leave you with this:

SUMMER!!!!

It is officially the first day of summer break in this house.  Well sort of...two of the children need to play catch up.  They have summer school of sorts.  They did not finish their math and language arts, so they will be doing it daily until they either get it finished or the start of the school year next year.  this is a consequence of procrastination and not following directions.  I have a 100% policy in this house.  That is the only acceptable grade so if you do it wrong, you get to do it again until it is right.  This is so I ensure that they completely understand what they are doing.  This is the first year we are taking a summer break.  We have always gone year round.  This year I wanted to take the summer off.  I want to take a few field trips, go to the beach, be lazy, and basically remove the teacher hat for a couple months. I want to read lots and lots of books.  I plan to get a summer reading list challenge for myself together that I will develop this week. We will enjoy this time until September 3rd. I will be finished with ALL my schoolwork by mid July.  I will then get a two week break until I am a full time student myself starting in August.  This will give me time to develop a good routine.  I am also super duper excited that the children will all be doing every subject independently except spelling.  I love guiding them to be self learners.  It will prepare them greatly for college.   I look forward to just enjoying my family.  I want to relish every moment.

convictions

So for a little while now I have been struggling with agitation.  Could never find the reason.  There seemed to be no particular reason.  I just felt on edge, agitated, and wanted to, at times, crawl out of my own skin.   I feel like God wanted something more out of me, something more that I just could not put my finger on, until church yesterday.  While I wish the message would have come earlier but God's timing is perfect and I probably would not have heard it otherwise. The message was on unity.  Disunity happens when people do not handle conflict the correct way biblically.   This is the one that really got me:

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.  Matthew 18:15


Ok, I do this.  I have no problem going to a person that has wronged me and working it out between me and them.  I, at times, don't do it between  that person and I alone.   There will be people that annoy me sometimes.  So I will complain.  I am not necessarily mad at the person, just things people do, sometimes, irk me.  So I have repented.  I am going to strive to only speak "words that breathe life and  not death".  In other words, I only want to speak positively of others.  Let's be real.  I am not going to be all Pollyanna on y'all and think every person is just a rainbow of sunshine and every intention is good. That is not realistic.  However, I don't want to talk negatively about anybody.  I want to put myself in their shoes.   I also don't want to ask about how somebody is unless I would actually talk to that person myself and ask them.   When I do this, it tends to lead to gossipy conversations.  I don't want to be like that or do that.   I also realize that this will be tested this week, being I have claimed that I will not do this anymore.  I will actively, everyday, have to put on my full armor and be in for the fight.  If people need encouragement or advice on how to handle a situation with people then I will make sure the words are say are from God.  I know one of my Sprirtual gifts is encouragement.  This tends to come with people wanting to come to me to seek encouragement in dealing with difficult people.  I just need to be careful with the words that come out of my mouth.  I want to uplift and encourage.  I don't want to prejudge a situation or person I have never met when I am only hearing one side.  


So once I dealt with this sin.  the agitation left.  I am no longer on edge.  That is the thing with sin.   It will eat you alive.  It will make you agitated.  It will make you feel like you want to crawl out of your own skin.    Following Jesus makes it impossible to live peacefully with sin behavior left unchecked, even when you don't fully realize what the sin is that needs to be dealt with.   I love that I get to live in His grace daily.

Expectation

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Expectation.  That is what I live by.  I want to live less by it though.  Expectation can lead to disappointment.  Especially when it comes to people.  People are flawed.  We all will fail at people's expectations.  However, I want to live according to god;'s expectations.  He expects certain things out of me.  I am OK with that.    My type A personality has a tendency to have expectations for myself.  Things I want to do daily and expect to get done.  I have expectations for my children that I expect to get done daily.  These expectations are good things. they will mold them into being ore Christ Like.  If I do not have certain expectations from them then I can not expect them to be responsible functional adults.  that is my job as their parent is to mold them into not being entitled beings that depend on the government or others to fill their wants and needs.  There is only one I expect them to fill those needs and that is God.   I have expectations of what God has planned for me,  There are times I have been wrong but as long as I am reading His Word than I can be pretty much right on of what that is.  Expectations are not bad as long as they are realistic.  I can expect my husband to be committed to the vows he made.  I can not expect him to be like a Nicholas Sparks novel.  I can expect my children to be obedient.  I can not expect them to know how to do it unless I train them properly.  I can expect the Army will always to be inconsistent.  I can not expect them to do anything I plan.   It is all about perspective.

scrubbed floors, scrubbed souls

Yes, I can correlate a spiritual lesson with scrubbing floors.  I scrubbed my evil floors yesterday.  They are evil.  I am pretty sure Satan himself laid the boards.  I often wonder who was the brilliant mind to put in flooring in family housing that has no finish so every bit of dirt gets in every crevice.  You would think that the thought with family housing would consider kids and pets, in multiples. I usually don't let it get so far behind to the point they got to.  I try to do it at least every two months for upkeep. Mopping every day just doesn't cut it. I justified that they don't look that bad until one day I look down and say "good gravy, this can go on no longer."  We do the same thing with sins in our life.  We think they are not that bad.  We think just that little thing is not so bad.  We let it build and build.  We mop over it so it seems clean. The next thing we know, God has got to do some scrubbing.  The scrubbing refines us.  It is not fun. It is painful.  But when it is done, we are squeaky clean.  We are free and can breathe a big sigh of relief that it has been done.  To maintain it we have to do daily upkeep.  We have got to make sure we are in check and don't let those sins build and build but repent of them right away and not justify doing them.

a comparison

I try not to do this.  I try not to compare myself or my life to anybody else.   I don't live other peoples lives so I don't really know how they are as parents, spouses, etc. etc.  If I make sure my grass is green I don't have to worry about anybody else.  However, with that being said.  I read this week about Jacob.  That man had issues.  If this were in today's society he and his family would probably be on Jerry Springer.  I have read the story a thousand times.  However, this week it truly spoke to me.  It made me realize to be grateful always for the wonderful family I do have.  It also showed me that despite the messed up choices we make God can do some pretty amazing things.  even choices that seem like they can never bring anything good.  However, if we allow God to, He will do some amazing things in our lives, despite the choices we make.   The thing is we think we are so small, so insignificant.  That we can't be used because , like Jacob, we have major issues.  Issues that  society would look at and say there is no way God can use that person.  But God used Jacob.  Mightily and through Jacob we have Joseph, who has taught me that you can forgive pretty much anything. Through Joseph, we eventually have Moses, who has taught me that you should not tell God you can't do something if he truly wants you to.

I adore God's word.  It refreshes me.  I could read it a thousand times but every time it will give me something fresh and new to apply to my life.

Give me Faith

My post today has few words from but says so much.  All in my heart is summed up in this song.  there are a couple of people beside myself that will love it and will bring encouragement.  We sang this song in worship today.  I adore it.

assumptions

      I think we have all heard the saying "assumptions make an a@% out of you and me."   Well, for me, they only do it for me.  There are things that I assume based on past experiences that are just not accurate or reality.  I then let my imagination take over and make something seem like a reality when it is not.  It is then that I have to face the music and the embarrassment of admitting I am wrong.  This is pure torture for a Type A personality.  We type A personalities have a tendency towards perfection in everything, including our own selves.  This means that admitting we are wrong means admitting we are not perfect.  I know that I am not but I don't like when I am wrong.  It messes me all up.  It means I have to admit faults and things about myself that are just not pretty and in control.  In my life I want everything to be pretty and in control, at all times.   I have come to the place after many years, though, that I can admit sooner that I am wrong.  I can humbly go to the person that I am wrong about and ask forgiveness.  Not just say sorry, but utter those words "Can you forgive me?" Of course they say "yes."  But there is that chance they could say no.  I know they won't but that is a risk when you ask.  Which if they decide to say no, that is not on me anymore.  That is not some thing I need to consume myself with if that were to happen.  Why?  Because what is most important is seeking forgiveness from a Holy God who wipes away my sins. He always forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

 I never have to wonder if He will say no.  He will always say yes I forgive you and will never think about it again.

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25

  No matter what I have done He will forgive even when I do it over and over again.  He still says "Yes, I forgive you. "




Psalm 103:8-12 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
 
 My relationship with Him is what matters most.  Striving to be like Jesus is what matters most.  Forgiveness cleanses me and makes that possible.

 "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18

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I got this idea from my dear friend Dana

I see a lot of things.  I want to see more.  I want to see more of how God sees people.  I want to see my children how God sees them.  I get to see things that tell me God is there even at Walmart which is a place I hate going to.

left half of full rainbow at Walmart

right half of the full rainbow

  I want to see more laughter in my house.  Not hear it, actually see it.  I want to see books read and enjoyed by all in this house.  I want to see less things around the area I live that just break my heart, especially when it is children.  I want to see people have a peace that can only come from Him that died on the cross.  I want to see lives changed.  I want to see my own life be different than it was yesterday.  I want to see more moments like these.

Charlotte eating ice cream for  girl time

girl time with Janessa

I see God's awesome power and strength with pictures like these that I have to stop writing to take.

  I see God's healing power take place in my own body when yesterday I was suffering from the most extreme muscle spasm and mild fever that sent me to the ER due to difficulty breathing.  Muscle spasms for me happen every few months and hang for days but due to the people that have such faith that I get to see on a weekly basis I was healed from their prayers and woke as if nothing had happened.  Those are the things I love to see.