Thursday, July 7, 2011
My Isaac
so one would think by that title I am going to talk about a person. Church last night got me. the preaching convicted me on things I am unnecessarily holding on to. I am about to admit things about me I don't like. I saw some of the ugly in me that I don't like to think about. I like to think I am perfect. I like to think I have it all together. I like to think that I have nothing that I need to get rid of in my life. If this were so then Christ died for nothing. But no, he dies for this very sin I am struggling with. I am then humbled and grateful that He does not hold this against me and love me despite me. Grace is not something I can ever fully grasp but am truly thankful for. I hear a sermon on Abraham and Isaac. I was fine. I am thinking"'I can think of a few people who need to hear this" Then the question gets asked "What is your Isaac?" meaning what are you holding on to that you wont give over to God. Are there hurts that you are holding on t?. UGH!! Fine God...yes. I struggle with total forgiveness of hurts done to me. Especially when they are complete fabricated lies that call my character and family members character into question. I hold on to the hurt and in some way hope that the same is done to them. It is not a pretty quality I like about myself nor do I want to justify it as human nature. For months now I have been dealing with this with a situation that no details will be given on here or anywhere public. I have daily said I forgive but they have just been words. God commands me to forgive. He does not say forgive if you feel like it. He does not say forgive only if the person/people say I am sorry. He does not say forgive only if the people find out the whole story and come to you to find out the other side. He says" forgive like I forgave you" I don't deserve it. I know my heart. This means I do not have the right to hold on to unforgiveness. This means I just do it and free myself. This means doing certain things to remove temptation to be bitter and unforgiving. This involves not replaying the situations over and over in my head. This involves not letting my imagination take over. This involves block buttons on Facebook. (If i can't see Facebook pages and comments, I stop thinking about it) This involves giving up control. I DON'T like to do that but it is necessary to move on and be free. It is necessary to become more like Christ which is my ultimate desire.
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I have found that forgiveness is a process. You choose to walk in it every day. It takes a long time. It's the CHOICE that matters to God. Emotions can be liars but you keep telling yourself "no I choose to forgive. No I choose to forgive" for as long as it takes. And yes, blocking is ok. You do what you need to keep your mind from going down those paths. You take every thought captive. I picked a verse every week that I would recite over and over and over each time those bile raising thoughts entered my head. It doesn't happen over night. It's been almost two years and this month is the first time I have really felt I can walk in peace and then only by not letting my mind or my eyes go where they should not. He gives more than enough grace to cover the path you are walking...it's simply not a fast one. Love you!
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