layers

I am such a bad blogger lately.  It has been over a month since my last post.  Sure I have had lots going on but blogging is a release for me so I should not let it go. this is what happens when 'life" takes over.  I shut down from posting.  I want to shut down from life.  I want to revert back to doing things the way I used to do.

Because it is what I am used to.  Because it is comfortable.  Because it is how I have coped with everything bad that life throws at me.

Then I remember the chaos it causes.  The irreversible damage it does to anybody within the walls of my home.  The agony it causes inside my soul.

the co-dependence is being shed in layers.  Every layer that is shed brings to light new ways I need to retrain my brain to healthier ways of thinking.  

The first layer came when my world turned upside down in March.   I finally came to the place I had no power over things going on with people around me.

The next layer came after a couple months of starting Alanon, working my steps, and coming to the realization the only person I can change is me.  I had to have the "Spiritual Awakening" to all the manipulating I did to all around me to get them to do what I wanted because everybody should do things the way I think they should.  It was then that I decided no more enabling and no more getting upset if the people in my life do things they way they want not the way I think they should. It was so freeing to stop taking responsibility for others and what they do.  I also started learning things about myself, what I liked and disliked, and standing up for me.  This is because for years I never knew what I wanted or liked.  I did and liked what everybody else thought I should and changed what I liked based on the people I was hanging around out of fear of not being loved.

The book that changed my life

  Things I had been taught in Christian circles have just been wrong and learned it is OK for me to set up boundaries and still be living biblical principles.   Because there has been such false teaching on forgiveness and reconciliation.  Most teachings are this is one and the same.  They are not.
Forgiveness means I release the person from a debt they owe me.  I have to do that.  God says.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

If I choose to not to forgive, it means I want something from that person.  My opinion,in most cases, that means revenge (with me that meant staying mad at them and having not so nice thoughts of what God should do to them or allow to happen), and that allows me to be controlled by that person. Forgiving sets me free.

Reconciliation or restoration comes when the other person and myself have truly owned up to our part of the problem.  I can not be the only one to do this.   Even God does not reconcile with everybody only those that are willing.  He forgives all but does not reconcile with all..  Forgiveness takes one person-me.  Reconciliation takes two -me and the other person.  This reconciliation takes time.  Once trust is broken, especially over and over again, it takes time to trust again.  The other person needs to own their behavior and then truly repent, which means to truly turn and do the opposite of what they were doing.

Fruit will be produced in keeping with repentance Matt 3:8.

Sometimes this takes weeks, months, or even years to happen.

I have made this mistake of confusing forgiveness and reconciliation as one and the same  too many, many times and when rushing reconciliation before it should happen ugly cycles have repeated themselves. Hence, I remove the boundaries and do the same things over and over again and expect something different to happen.

This time I choose to have boundaries in place.  I wait for the trust to be built which is slowly happening.  I am in no mood to rush it like I always have.  I live in today.  Today things are good.  I deal with things as they come up instead of letting them turn into resentments that lead to bitterness and "my crazy".

I learn to say how I feel, not what I think others are feeling, and leave it at that.  They get to choose what to do with it.  I get to choose how to respond.  This even applies to my children.  I no longer tell them they can't do that or be a certain way.  I simply tell them if they choose the behavior, they get a consequence.  I don't do this perfectly.  But I get better at it everyday.  My home is becoming more peaceful everyday.  The people that live in it are happier.

I choose to live in today.  I choose to be responsible to the people in my life not for them.   I choose to forgive and not be resentful.   I choose to respond and not react.  I choose to live in today.

unleash and surrender

That has pretty much just been my life theme.  I wish I could have just done it all at once but then again I would not be the person I am today if so.  God's timing.

I have gifts.  Gifts that have come from God.  Every believer has them.

^{1 Corinithians 12:4-11}

⁴ There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. ⁵ There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. ⁶ There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

⁷ Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,^[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.^[b] 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

 Not every believer lets go of the control to let them come to full fruition, like me, until last Tuesday.  I am currently attending this bible study on the Holy Spirit.    We have learned who He is and how he functions.  We have studied on things that are controversial and received clarification.  It was straight out of the bible and not somebody's expert opinion or from a book somebody wrote.  I am not here to talk about the controversial and sensitive things.  I am not here to argue semantics.  I am here to give my testimony and experience.

One gift I know I received for sure was a gift of intercession/faith.  I can be so compassionate for others needs even when I am not told by that person.  Normally I just pray to myself and don't let the other person know.  God puts things on my heart that I have ignored because what if I am wrong and I go to that person and tell them what I feel God has told me.  They will get mad or think I am crazy.  Then I am kicking myself for not stepping out in faith to pray with them. There are times when I am not exactly accurate but there are times when it is spot on and it used to just freak me out.  A couple examples:

A friend tells me her ex-husband is suffering from stage 4 colon cancer.  God puts it on my heart to pray for the reconciliation of their marriage and for changes in him to become the man that God has called him to be.  I was also told to make a prayer shawl in purple and to have it prayed over for complete healing.  His favorite color is purple, he is a different person, and they are working towards reconciliation. None of these things were told to me, by her, until weeks later.

A couple that I have not talked to in months was put on my heart that they were going to conceive.  The next day she puts up on her Facebook a picture of her pregnancy test.

I could never let go of the control that this is just beyond what I can comprehend.   That this can not be possible.  That mostly I am so not even worthy of praying for others and have prayers answered when I know me.  I know who I am without Christ.  I am not all that.  I do not deserve  the honor. ....

then I look at who he did use:

David a man called by God himself...."a man after my own heart" yet commits adultery, murders, and basically has a Jerry Springer family down the line

Peter.....who always put his foot in his mouth and even denied knowing the man that was God himself in human flesh

Paul.....who murdered christians and was still called by God to be one of the greatest apostles...EVER.

Jonah....who tried to run from doing God's will and then did not want to pray for repentance because he knew God would answer that prayer.  (I can relate)

So why on earth do I think God can't use me and in ways that just make me stand in awe of who He is.

See here is why.  I let my own addiction of co dependence squelch the Spirit from doing anything for 15 years.  Yes I am and have been saved but the Holy Spirit's power could not be unleashed fully until I let go of the control that I never had but thought I did to Him. Tuesday, I get confirmation from  dear friend who speaks right to me and tells me things about me and other things going on that I have not told one single person.   Yesterday at church we get challenged to be courageous and just openly pray and give testimony.  I did both.  then a man gets up there and looks at me and tells me not to fear and just let the Holy Spirit do what I have been gifted to do.  I have never talked to Him in my life.    Pretty much what my friend told me as well.  These two don't run in the same circle of friends.  shall I quote 'here's your sign"  

Another gift I received that I prayed for.  the ability to sing.  I did chorus and band.  I was a good flute player.  Singing however was not something I could do.  I could not be in tune.  I desired this gift desperately.  I prayed for years for it.  It was not until I went on the Walk to Emmaus retreat and while laying face down on the floor for God to just do things in me and change me.  To just have God be in complete control.  That I soon noticed that ability.  Then about a year later I was able to start singing harmony.    Again. I let fear and confidence in my ability stop me from pursuing using it, until God just continued pressing on my heart to do something about it.  So I stepped out and was on a worship team here at my previous church before the one I attend now.   Right now, it is not what I am supposed to do.  God has other plans for the moment where I am at.  He just keeps saying wait.  so I wait......and in the meantime just live out in faith.

switched

This week starts the new adventure for my children.  WEe have switched from home school to sending them to public school.  A few have asked why.  I am sure many more wonder but don't know how to ask.  There are many reasons for doing so.  Here is our story as to why...

My life for many years has been chaos and me trying to control the chaos.  This scenario makes it impossible to home school effectively.  Most reading this know what I have been healed from..  go here to find out what.  I have had to rescue my children from everything.  every hurt, every obstacle, and every discomfort.  I took on every single thing as if it were me going through it.  My children have learned behaviors in how to deal with life and not in a good way.  This is being remedied.

I have not always home schooled.  I sent my two older ones to a private school on a voucher for a few years.  They went to a half year of public school.  Janessa was in third grade and Abby was in second when I pulled them out.  I pulled Janessa out over Christmas break because she was having major listening and paying attention issues.  She was defiant.  I could not admit this then.  I said "Not my child.  My child is not and that teacher is crazy.  This is an injustice and I will now home school her. "  We then pulled Abby out a couple months later over spring break due to me having to drive her 20 min there and back because I did not want her going to a school in my neighborhood that I was convinced was just atrocious. ( I don't even know if this is true) So we made the adventure and I was very set on doing it a certain way and achieving absolute perfection.  The pressure on them was just ridiculous.  There was no room for creativity and being open to learning different ways.  We also never really went anywhere or did many activities that I am sure they would love to be involved with due to my own mental state.  I made everything look all together and controlled and to all looking seemed like it was all going perfectly.  Meanwhile, it was chaos.  There was lots of yelling  and lots of expectations.  Lots of just doing paperwork only and that is how we do school...PERIOD.    For three and a half years this is what we did.  Me expecting perfection, and due to this holding them back from excelling greatly.  So they are behind their peers when it comes to math a couple years.  So after my eyes have been opened to how I have been, I came to the realization that me continuing to home school them is just not fair to them.  I have not challenged them enough.  I have not let them fail to be able to learn form their mistakes.  I have kept them from doing fun projects and experiments because  " I am not that mom"   I have kept them from interacting with other children as much has possible unless it was controlled by me because I feared them turning into an after school tv special.   I had to swallow my pride and realize I have done so much wrong to them.  I have dealt with so much guilt in my mistakes of what I have done to them.  It is a process of me learning to let it go in my healing.  I know that they will grow past this and become who God intends them to be and not repeat "the crazy"  This is just me sharing my heart.

I held on to the control of doing this because I convinced my self of many lies.

1.  my children just can't handle it out there.  It is scary.  they can't handle what is out there.  I must protect them from it.  (I have not given my children enough credit in their abilities and strengths)

2.  what on earth will my home school mom friends think when I decide to switch? I can't let them think I am incapable of this (this is so not even remotely true)

3.  what will the non home school moms think after I have been so against public school for this many years and how home school is soooooo much better for every child that I am now sending them to school? ( I apologize for that attitude to any of you reading this on the receiving end of that one.)

these three lies just made me stuck.    It was not until I started healing my mind that I could let go of them and realize these three truths

1.  My children are strong and capable of handling whatever comes their way and with the guidance of Doug and I can guide them into being everything God intends them to be

2.  It does not matter what anybody thinks.  I am doing what is best and what will work for our family.

3.  Home schooling is wonderful when it is done in a well balanced household with healthy minded parents.  I truly am in awe and amazed when I see a great effective home school family.   It truly is a wonderful blessing that can be fun and amazing.  Public school is not evil and there are issues but we can work through them.  I will be an involved parent and be my child's advocate.

so we start the new adventure.  We look forward to many more.  Many more God filled and God glorifying experiences.  Things that people will look at and say "only God".  Because there is no other explanation of how we are where we are.

undone

I have become undone.....completely and totally undone.  It is like I have been wrapped in a safe cocoon and just bounced around.  If you have ever watched a butterfly emerge from its cocoon I have come undone like that.  Except it took me thirty something years to do.  So I hung on by what looks like a fine thread and just wriggled around until I broke free for years.  something beautiful and wonderful emerged.  Everybody else could see the beauty,  I could not until I broke free.  I broke free from the codependence.  Something I did not even realize I was until a month ago.   Every single stinkin characteristic.  I now am actively shedding every single stinkin characteristic.   See, I never thought I was.  I had the wrong definition.  It was my defense mechanism.  It was a learned behavior.  I am now having to unlearn it.   Doing so has transformed my life.  It has transformed my marriage.  It is transforming my children.  I have broken the ugly dirty cycle that by God's grace will end and not continue through generation after generation.   God has been glorified amazingly.  There are no other explanations as to how we have all broken free.

A marriage has been restored when it seemed hopeless

There is peace where there was none.

There is no longer the yelling and screaming because of the trying to control every single aspect in my house

There is trust in God when there are things needed that I know will be supplied...eventually.

There are no panic moments with the previous statement as to me trying to make it happen.

There are things that I have let go of and am willing to start new adventures with

My girls are being allowed to flourish and blossom without me holding them back anymore.

My husband and I are in a new phase of getting to know our new selves and trusting each other to be real with each other.

My house is a happier place to be in.

I am trusting and being more positive daily with those I interact with.

I am not perfect and make mistakes but I am willing to admit to them right away without carrying guilt around for years and years.

I am living in the freedom Christ has given me......FINALLY!!!!!

not the same

I am not the same. I am not the person I was three weeks ago.  I am not the person I was yesterday.  I have told that person she is no longer welcome to be a part of me.  That person was a controlling, manipulative, pitiful, must fix everybody, need people to need her, martyr not in a good way, do what everybody else thinks you should.   I did not love me.  I did not see me as God sees me.  I did not have confidence in any decision, any feeling, or basically anything about me.  I pretended to know what people were talking about when I didn't and would say I understand, when I didn't.  I discovered this three weeks ago.  Three weeks ago I said no more.  I am actively pursuing  re-training my brain.  I now love me.  I am learning to love me more and more everyday.  I am learning to see myself as God sees me.  

I voice how I feel.  I actively pursue not pointing fingers and judging others.

 I am now doing things I love and getting out of worrying about if this will be approved by others or what others will think of me doing whatever it is I am doing.

I no longer do things for others that they can do themselves and no longer put guilt on myself  in what others do or don't do.  I no longer apologize for others choices as if  I did them.

I no longer feel guilt over gifts and offers of help.  I accept them gladly

I am more concerned with fixing me and me only. 

I love teens.  I love children.  I love praying with them.  I love just being around them.

I am actively working on not telling you what I think you should do and convincing myself that I am just encouraging you.

I love to sing.  I love praise and worship to Jesus.  

I love to run and will always do so.  I want to do Crossfit.

I love to read and will read whatever book I can get my hands...controversial or not.  except 50 Shades of Grey or smutty romance.  I have no desire to read porn.  

I am proud of my accomplishments and prayerfully considering working with what I got a degree in.  because I want to.  However, I want to make sure I am still doing what God is calling me to.

I am learning the only one I want to care who has an opinion of me is the One who created me.

I love to write. 

I love my church. I love the prayers that have been answered about me and my family.

I love my sponsor.  She was sent to me straight from God, in God's timing when I was convinced I did not need to be different.  

I love all the new people that God has put into my path and leading me into ministries that just make my heart overflow these past three weeks.

I no longer eat out of emotion.  I only eat when I am hungry.  This may concern my mother who thought I was anorexic as a 6 year old because I only ate when I was hungry and looked like a poster child for "FEED THE CHILDREN"  (gotta have some humor in my revelations)  

I look in the mirror and love that person.  This makes me cry because it has been a very long time since I could truly say that and believe it

running through mud puddles

again, I blog in my head while I run.  These past couple months have led to some great discoveries about myself. Some revealed this week.  There have been good things.  There have been some very hard things I have to deal with in myself.  Today I did something that signified some freedom.  I ran through a mud puddle.  To those reading this, that may be insignificant.  For me it is huge.  I have always wanted to jump in mud puddles.  that part of me that just wants to do it.  then my, what I call "my crazy" takes over and convinces me why I shouldn't.  what will everybody think? what will people say?  That will just look ridiculous to everybody driving by.  You are not thin enough to do that.  Today I decided those things don't matter.  I owned that mud puddle.  I, in "my crazy", will not say or do things that I truly want to out of fear of what everybody else will think.  I have come to the realization.  IT DOESN'T MATTER.    There is only one's opinion that matters...God.  I am His favorite and I am pretty sure He is just fine with me running crazy through the mud puddles.  I want to say what I feel really.  I want to not say I want to do things when I really don't out of fear that person won't like me if I don't do this.  I want to do the things that I know God has truly called me to do and not worry about if I am good enough, equipped enough, or if this will fit into everybody's plans.  God's plans are the only ones that truly matter.    This will be a continuous journey.  I will not do it perfectly.  But God does not ask us to do things perfectly.  He just asks us to do them.

running towards grace

running is therapy. you naysayers say what you want, but it truly is.  It is the time I clear my head.  It is the time I usually blog in my head.  These past couple weeks  has truly just been so thick with God's presence, I can feel it.  It is a minuscule glimpse of what it will be like in His presence when I leave this place.  It is overwhelming.  People have been brought into my life these past couple weeks that have just straight up come from God.  Friendships are developing and old ones are being rekindled.  I have been encouraged and have been able to encourage others.  I have been dealing with "my stuff" as well. It has been freeing.  It has come through working with my Alanon sponsor.  I started intitally because somebody else wanted me too.  I thought I am not the one with the problem but whatever.   I started dealing, unwillingly with the resentments.  Resentments I never knew were there.  Resentments I should not have because when I gave my life to Christ I should have let them go right at the cross.  Instead, I chose to give everything over but my resentments.  I basically surrendered all but that one thing.  I held onto them like a flotation device.  In some weird way they brought me a sense of normal.  It was how I thought I could control the situation.  If I hold onto these, then eventually the people I am holding resentments against will do it my way...one way or another.  That worked well....NOT.  The thing with resentments is we hold on to them because we don't want to deal with what are part is in them.  Resentments come from wrong that has been done to us.  Some are tragic.  Some should never happen to any person on this planet.  It is how we handle it that becomes the problem.  A lot of times we want God to take his vengeance right there.  We think they do not deserve grace.  We think I am surely  going to stay resentful until they do what I think they should.  again this works well....NOT.  A recurring theme of revelation with my resentments

1. I can't change them
2.  I cant make them do what I think they should
3.  unrealistic expectations

So I deal with my part in these.  My type A personality wants to not have me admit my part, My sin in this, my  fault in this.  Admitting and asking God to forgive me is FREEING.  I can not stress the freedom enough.  My life is peaceful.  I can tell when I need to inventory, as it is called.  Somebody will do something to upset me.  I hold on to it and stew about it.  I push it down deep so I can hide it and bring it out at another day to wallow in my misery.  I then take it out on anybody within my grasp.  momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  I don't want to live that insanity anymore.  I want to be content.  I want to be free.  I want to live in Christ and just daily live in his presence so thick I can touch it.  I want Christ to be so thick in his presence that it just oozes out of me and it so obvious there is something different about me.  This freedom is for everybody.  everybody should be able to experience it.  We just have to be willing to let go and let God.

beautiful Chaos

I am in the midst of some beautiful chaos.  This week we have added two extra children.  My niece who is two and my nephew who is nine months.  It has been great.  We are enjoying them.  They are wonderful children.  We are getting to know them well and it is a blessing.  We have them because My sis n law and bro n law went to Guatemala for a mission trip to serve.  Of course this makes Satan , so not happy.  SO what happens the day they arrive; Charlotte gets a fever and the next day ends up in urgent care with strep throat and ear infection.    Tuesday she is back to the doctor a yeast infection due to the antibiotics.  Yesterday, Abby went to the Dr. for an ear infection and a 55 gallon fish tank leaked all over my floor.  Let me rephrase that, cascaded water like a beautiful waterfall and made a river in my front room.  It was lovely. We got canoes and went for a ride.  Well, obviously not.  I thought words I don't like to think.  I threw things out my front door with force.  I was at my limit. Death wishes were thought towards the turtle.  Words were said that could have been expressed better to the dear husband if I was not at this point.  Thankfully he forgives. 


So I carry on.  I press forward and enjoy this new day.  whatever it brings.  Because, I  fight the fight.  I don't give up, even when it seems impossible.  I press forward even when I want to go in the car and drive away.  It is what i am called to do.  I am called to serve others.  I am called to show Jesus even when chaos surrounds me.  

Just here

There are days I am just here.  There are days when no matter what I do or feel God seems like he is a million miles away.  There are days when I feel like He does not hear.  there are days when I don't feel like I can get filled enough with the Holy Spirit.  There are days when I don't feel his presence.  Today is just one of those days.  These are the days I rely on what I know in my head. These are the days that I remind myself about the Israelite's not hearing from God for 400 years. So if they can go 400 years without hearing form him certainly I can go a few days not "feeling" Him.  These are the days I blast worship music and pour into His Word.  These are the days I just trust what truth is and not my feelings.  My feelings are not always truth.  His word is.  His word I can depend on.  It is days like these where I read things like this:

"Soon I will die, going the way of everything on earth. Deep in your hearts you know that every promise of the LORD your God has come true. Not a single one has failed!  Joshua 23:14

No, I am not dying, but deep in my heart God's promises are true and don't fail.  These are the days I have lyrics running through my head to remind me:

"Tell me, once again 

Who I am to You, who I am to You 

Tell me, lest I forget 

Who I am to You, that I belong to You 

To You "

These are the days when I hear the perfect song that speaks right to my heart and let's me know He is there despite not feeling it.  

forced rest

My life is on constant go.  A list of things I have to do.  A list of things I want to do.  I love it.  I chose it.  I am not complaining about it.  There are times though it becomes overwhelming and God forces me to stop.  Abruptly.  I attempted a run last night.  I have started back after a couple weeks off and have ran 2 miles every day except two day last week.  Last night I was going to run 2.5 miles.    After one mile I cramped bad and had to stop and then realized how exhausted I was.  I also had been sneezing on and off all day.  So I came home and told the hubby I am exhausted.  I am taking a shower and going to bed.  This was at 7:30.  HI graciously helped with the children and got them to bed.  I was asleep by 8:30ish and woke up at 6:30 this morning.  I am refreshed and ready to go.  There are times when this is needed.  There are times when we as Mom's feel guilty when we do.  I DO NOT.  I have learned that there are things that can just wait.  There are things, and  I know this may be shocking, my husband and children can do without me.  We as wives and moms put to much pressure on ourselves and think we have to do it all and  do it perfectly.  When I start walking on water, I will do it perfectly.   Until then I will let the perfect One perfect me until it is time to be called home.

living in Grace

Somebody said something yesterday that made me think. I am not quoting exactly but here is the gist, I have a problem with so called Christians that want to tell others how they should live but their lives are a complete mess. I could not agree more. I want to live a life that is filled with grace and I extend that grace to others. Too many times I have been guilty of saying things and telling others how they should live by my standards when my life does not exactly live the way I am saying they should be. there are also too many times I see "Facebook arguments" from Christians that turn into attacking the person, not the issue, who does not agree with their point of view. I want to see others as Jesus sees them. I want to not put God in my own box and tell others this is how YOU should live based on what others have taught me because it is based on a twisted view of a bible verse to justify how they think things should be done. I want others to see I live for Jesus not just hear the words. I want the opportunities that come up where I share my testimony and the truth to be God ordained not "Tory ordained" I want the words I speak in these situations to come from God not from me. Because if they come from me, they are going to come off as judgy. I am going to come off as argumentative. I am not going to show grace and people will be turned off. However, there are standards that God has that I know are true and need to be lived by. There are issues in today's society that are just not politically correct that go against what the Word says is true. I stand by those. I believe that God's Word is truth. I will not argue my points with somebody who believes otherwise. It will make me look ridiculous. So I will fight on my knees by praying for truth to be revealed. I will take responsibility at the polls when I vote. I will tell others my testimony and where I get my peace in the difficult situations when the opportunity arises. It is what I am called to do. It is not my job to ensure other people do what I think God says they should. God does a pretty good job of conviction Himself being the creator of this entire universe. The only people that I need to make sure live the way they are supposed to are the little people that live in my own house that I am training to become responsible adults. This is something God is working in me. I want every person I come in contact with to see "something different.something desirable." I want every person to see that my walk with Jesus is real. I do not want to turn others away because I act one way and say something else. I do not want to judge other people. I do not want the words I type or say to seem like I am. I want to live full of grace and extend that grace to every person around me.

Light Bulb Moments

I love light bulb moments.  The moments that give you realizations you never thought of.  I am currently reading Numbers in the Bible.  This book is just plain tedious, detailed, and let's face it, not exciting.  There are many rules and  regulations.  there are many references to whose clan came from who.  While reading today, I was thinking "this will never end.  I am not that interested in who came from who and why you have to sacrifice this and that, very specifically."  Then I realized I holding a book that was written thousands of years ago.  I am reading a book that has stood the test of time.  I am reading a book that was actually spoken By God himself.  Well then, I have new perspective.

 I  realized God is pretty serious about his Holiness.  So much so, that sacrifice needs to be made to be pure and holy before a God that loves us and wants fellowship with us.  How cool that God talked to Moses like I talk to my friends everyday.  He is also repeats a few times about Aaron's sons using unauthorized fire which means that must be pretty important on being obedient to what God says exactly.

I realize that God is pretty serious and means what he says.  So much so that because Moses did not follow an instruction exactly and sinned, he was denied access to the Promise Land.  I also realized that he accepted this consequence without argument and without tantrum or question.  HE continues to do what God asks of him and communicates with him directly, like a friend.  No complaints.  no shouts of "that is not fair"  unlike most of us, that want to tell God what is fair and what is not because we put Him in our own box of how we think he should be and not who He actually is.

I realize I am thankful, that I am on this side of the cross.  that Jesus made the final and only atoning sacrifice we needs so I don't have to do wave offerings, sin offerings,  grain offerings, etc. etc. etc. to be purified and made whole again to be in the presence of a very holy God.

I am truly in awe of who God is.   For that I leave you with this:

SUMMER!!!!

It is officially the first day of summer break in this house.  Well sort of...two of the children need to play catch up.  They have summer school of sorts.  They did not finish their math and language arts, so they will be doing it daily until they either get it finished or the start of the school year next year.  this is a consequence of procrastination and not following directions.  I have a 100% policy in this house.  That is the only acceptable grade so if you do it wrong, you get to do it again until it is right.  This is so I ensure that they completely understand what they are doing.  This is the first year we are taking a summer break.  We have always gone year round.  This year I wanted to take the summer off.  I want to take a few field trips, go to the beach, be lazy, and basically remove the teacher hat for a couple months. I want to read lots and lots of books.  I plan to get a summer reading list challenge for myself together that I will develop this week. We will enjoy this time until September 3rd. I will be finished with ALL my schoolwork by mid July.  I will then get a two week break until I am a full time student myself starting in August.  This will give me time to develop a good routine.  I am also super duper excited that the children will all be doing every subject independently except spelling.  I love guiding them to be self learners.  It will prepare them greatly for college.   I look forward to just enjoying my family.  I want to relish every moment.

convictions

So for a little while now I have been struggling with agitation.  Could never find the reason.  There seemed to be no particular reason.  I just felt on edge, agitated, and wanted to, at times, crawl out of my own skin.   I feel like God wanted something more out of me, something more that I just could not put my finger on, until church yesterday.  While I wish the message would have come earlier but God's timing is perfect and I probably would not have heard it otherwise. The message was on unity.  Disunity happens when people do not handle conflict the correct way biblically.   This is the one that really got me:

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.  Matthew 18:15


Ok, I do this.  I have no problem going to a person that has wronged me and working it out between me and them.  I, at times, don't do it between  that person and I alone.   There will be people that annoy me sometimes.  So I will complain.  I am not necessarily mad at the person, just things people do, sometimes, irk me.  So I have repented.  I am going to strive to only speak "words that breathe life and  not death".  In other words, I only want to speak positively of others.  Let's be real.  I am not going to be all Pollyanna on y'all and think every person is just a rainbow of sunshine and every intention is good. That is not realistic.  However, I don't want to talk negatively about anybody.  I want to put myself in their shoes.   I also don't want to ask about how somebody is unless I would actually talk to that person myself and ask them.   When I do this, it tends to lead to gossipy conversations.  I don't want to be like that or do that.   I also realize that this will be tested this week, being I have claimed that I will not do this anymore.  I will actively, everyday, have to put on my full armor and be in for the fight.  If people need encouragement or advice on how to handle a situation with people then I will make sure the words are say are from God.  I know one of my Sprirtual gifts is encouragement.  This tends to come with people wanting to come to me to seek encouragement in dealing with difficult people.  I just need to be careful with the words that come out of my mouth.  I want to uplift and encourage.  I don't want to prejudge a situation or person I have never met when I am only hearing one side.  


So once I dealt with this sin.  the agitation left.  I am no longer on edge.  That is the thing with sin.   It will eat you alive.  It will make you agitated.  It will make you feel like you want to crawl out of your own skin.    Following Jesus makes it impossible to live peacefully with sin behavior left unchecked, even when you don't fully realize what the sin is that needs to be dealt with.   I love that I get to live in His grace daily.

Expectation

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Expectation.  That is what I live by.  I want to live less by it though.  Expectation can lead to disappointment.  Especially when it comes to people.  People are flawed.  We all will fail at people's expectations.  However, I want to live according to god;'s expectations.  He expects certain things out of me.  I am OK with that.    My type A personality has a tendency to have expectations for myself.  Things I want to do daily and expect to get done.  I have expectations for my children that I expect to get done daily.  These expectations are good things. they will mold them into being ore Christ Like.  If I do not have certain expectations from them then I can not expect them to be responsible functional adults.  that is my job as their parent is to mold them into not being entitled beings that depend on the government or others to fill their wants and needs.  There is only one I expect them to fill those needs and that is God.   I have expectations of what God has planned for me,  There are times I have been wrong but as long as I am reading His Word than I can be pretty much right on of what that is.  Expectations are not bad as long as they are realistic.  I can expect my husband to be committed to the vows he made.  I can not expect him to be like a Nicholas Sparks novel.  I can expect my children to be obedient.  I can not expect them to know how to do it unless I train them properly.  I can expect the Army will always to be inconsistent.  I can not expect them to do anything I plan.   It is all about perspective.

scrubbed floors, scrubbed souls

Yes, I can correlate a spiritual lesson with scrubbing floors.  I scrubbed my evil floors yesterday.  They are evil.  I am pretty sure Satan himself laid the boards.  I often wonder who was the brilliant mind to put in flooring in family housing that has no finish so every bit of dirt gets in every crevice.  You would think that the thought with family housing would consider kids and pets, in multiples. I usually don't let it get so far behind to the point they got to.  I try to do it at least every two months for upkeep. Mopping every day just doesn't cut it. I justified that they don't look that bad until one day I look down and say "good gravy, this can go on no longer."  We do the same thing with sins in our life.  We think they are not that bad.  We think just that little thing is not so bad.  We let it build and build.  We mop over it so it seems clean. The next thing we know, God has got to do some scrubbing.  The scrubbing refines us.  It is not fun. It is painful.  But when it is done, we are squeaky clean.  We are free and can breathe a big sigh of relief that it has been done.  To maintain it we have to do daily upkeep.  We have got to make sure we are in check and don't let those sins build and build but repent of them right away and not justify doing them.

a comparison

I try not to do this.  I try not to compare myself or my life to anybody else.   I don't live other peoples lives so I don't really know how they are as parents, spouses, etc. etc.  If I make sure my grass is green I don't have to worry about anybody else.  However, with that being said.  I read this week about Jacob.  That man had issues.  If this were in today's society he and his family would probably be on Jerry Springer.  I have read the story a thousand times.  However, this week it truly spoke to me.  It made me realize to be grateful always for the wonderful family I do have.  It also showed me that despite the messed up choices we make God can do some pretty amazing things.  even choices that seem like they can never bring anything good.  However, if we allow God to, He will do some amazing things in our lives, despite the choices we make.   The thing is we think we are so small, so insignificant.  That we can't be used because , like Jacob, we have major issues.  Issues that  society would look at and say there is no way God can use that person.  But God used Jacob.  Mightily and through Jacob we have Joseph, who has taught me that you can forgive pretty much anything. Through Joseph, we eventually have Moses, who has taught me that you should not tell God you can't do something if he truly wants you to.

I adore God's word.  It refreshes me.  I could read it a thousand times but every time it will give me something fresh and new to apply to my life.

Give me Faith

My post today has few words from but says so much.  All in my heart is summed up in this song.  there are a couple of people beside myself that will love it and will bring encouragement.  We sang this song in worship today.  I adore it.

assumptions

      I think we have all heard the saying "assumptions make an a@% out of you and me."   Well, for me, they only do it for me.  There are things that I assume based on past experiences that are just not accurate or reality.  I then let my imagination take over and make something seem like a reality when it is not.  It is then that I have to face the music and the embarrassment of admitting I am wrong.  This is pure torture for a Type A personality.  We type A personalities have a tendency towards perfection in everything, including our own selves.  This means that admitting we are wrong means admitting we are not perfect.  I know that I am not but I don't like when I am wrong.  It messes me all up.  It means I have to admit faults and things about myself that are just not pretty and in control.  In my life I want everything to be pretty and in control, at all times.   I have come to the place after many years, though, that I can admit sooner that I am wrong.  I can humbly go to the person that I am wrong about and ask forgiveness.  Not just say sorry, but utter those words "Can you forgive me?" Of course they say "yes."  But there is that chance they could say no.  I know they won't but that is a risk when you ask.  Which if they decide to say no, that is not on me anymore.  That is not some thing I need to consume myself with if that were to happen.  Why?  Because what is most important is seeking forgiveness from a Holy God who wipes away my sins. He always forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

 I never have to wonder if He will say no.  He will always say yes I forgive you and will never think about it again.

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25

  No matter what I have done He will forgive even when I do it over and over again.  He still says "Yes, I forgive you. "




Psalm 103:8-12 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
 
 My relationship with Him is what matters most.  Striving to be like Jesus is what matters most.  Forgiveness cleanses me and makes that possible.

 "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18

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I got this idea from my dear friend Dana

I see a lot of things.  I want to see more.  I want to see more of how God sees people.  I want to see my children how God sees them.  I get to see things that tell me God is there even at Walmart which is a place I hate going to.

left half of full rainbow at Walmart

right half of the full rainbow

  I want to see more laughter in my house.  Not hear it, actually see it.  I want to see books read and enjoyed by all in this house.  I want to see less things around the area I live that just break my heart, especially when it is children.  I want to see people have a peace that can only come from Him that died on the cross.  I want to see lives changed.  I want to see my own life be different than it was yesterday.  I want to see more moments like these.

Charlotte eating ice cream for  girl time

girl time with Janessa

I see God's awesome power and strength with pictures like these that I have to stop writing to take.

  I see God's healing power take place in my own body when yesterday I was suffering from the most extreme muscle spasm and mild fever that sent me to the ER due to difficulty breathing.  Muscle spasms for me happen every few months and hang for days but due to the people that have such faith that I get to see on a weekly basis I was healed from their prayers and woke as if nothing had happened.  Those are the things I love to see.

    So I am doing this thing.  It will challenge and grow me.  I need it so I am doing it.  I have never read through the bible before but I am doing it now, this way.    MY kids will be too they just don't know it yet.  However, not in 90 days for them.  they will just be reading the Bible daily.                                              Unless I make sure that they are reading God's word how else are they going to know what God's plan is for all of us?   So since we will be taking the summer off this year for the first time ever this is a good time for me to do something like this before the madness of me being a full time college student starts in August.  I will surely need some spiritual fuel to get me through that.  There is a Facebook page but for now I will not be on that.  I have asked to join but only for this challenge purpose.  Until I hear that God says it is OK for me to be back on there I will.  I have cheated on my no Facebook commitment here and there due to curiosities and mostly me wanting to do mindless wandering so I don't have to think about the things God is dealing with me on.  This was a revelation to me last night so I am committed to staying off for now.  I have sought forgiveness in going against something God does not want me doing for now.  I have received his Grace and Mercy.  I am thankful for it.  So God has put it on my heart that first thing in the morning is my Internet time.  This is the time to read the blogs, write the blog, catch up on the news, and check the email.  The only other time will be for my schoolwork and getting my recipes for dinner.  There will be no mindless searching during those times.  There are other things I can do better use of my time while waiting for meals to cook or pages to load.  SO for now i sit with my coffee.  Take in daily readings.  Breathe in God's word, and enjoy the worship music I will soon be playing.

so many thoughts

I have so many thoughts.  so many things I want to write about but I have no idea how to put them altogether.  there are many things I want to express my opinion on,  some controversial.  I just need to find the time to do it, and do it right.  I want my blog to have more depth.  I want it to be a place where people can come and feel encouraged and see perspective they may not have thought of.  I also want it to be a place where people find laughter and silliness.  I want it to be a place of ideas shared.  I want it to be real.  so it will be.....

so today's posts will be on  "aha moments"  those moments and things that make you go " a ha"  that makes sense.  I should have thought of that.

I have a bible app on my phone.  I adore it.  I can read my bible anywhere, anytime.  I am currently doing a read through the bible chronological plan.  I would say I am doing it in a year but that is realistically not happening,  I am getting better in reading it but not everyday like I want.  the beauty of this app is it will catch me up where I left off.

Borax is amazing.  I used it to see how well it cleaned my tubs.  FAN FLIPPIN TASTIC.  nothing else I have tried as done as amazing as this. sprinkle on tub and use a scrub sponge, beautiful white cleanliness.

I am not at this time going to train for a marathon or any other race. I have come to the place that the time frame I run in is about all my schedule will allow.  I may try to train for a 10k but i need to drop a few more pounds before that.  seriously, go try running with a 40 pound dead weight child on your back and let me know how that works for ya.  I have decided to run everyday and when I am in a different place I will train and run the Disney 1/2 marathon.

My day goes amazingly better when I start off with prayer and bible reading.  I don't know why I forget this.  I also get a better understanding as why we as people are referred to as sheep when I forget these things.  I want to live daily in peace and the holy spirit just overflowing out of me. I want to be refined even though the process is painful.  I have sins I am dealing with that God is working out of me.  Thankfully I want to let Him. Lots of testing going on to overcome them.

I am just content with the plan God has for me.  I am just along for the ride.   I love the life I live and doing everything I do.  I am at a place where I look at things that other people have and think I am good with what we have unless God decides to give us more. I will be honest, a nice boat for the family and a cabin in the mountains would be nice to have.  However, when God says the time is right.  This also does not mean that I think it will just fall into our laps.  These things take saving and commitment to get them. I just want to do it right. I even want to get rid of more things.  I want to become more like a minimalist.   I hate lots of things.  However, this is just for me.  The husband has no desire to be a minimalist and if reading this may have a heart attack at the thought of him getting rid of things.  His stuff I leave alone.  This is for me.  I do not expect anybody else to follow along. Thankfully I have one child that already is naturally..  I already don't have a lot of things.  There are two areas in particular that I know I need to go through.  The toy boxes and books.  I am not quite sure why my children need 20 Barbies that they don't play with,  baby toys, just in case she decides to play with them, 30 coloring books that never get used, and books that will never get read.  I want to get rid of the dilapidated book case and have one toy box. Books will be the hardest for me to go through.  But I will donate them to the library so it will make me feel better.   I think there will some dedication to minimalist living coming in this blog.

kennedy shananigans

oh the update.  the supposed to be weekly update that has been neglected.  so here it is.

Janessa: doing so much better with her school work.  She wrote a report on Crocodiles and I must say I was very impressed.  Not much needed to be corrected with it and it flowed nicely.  She makes me proud.  Very independent and content with life

Abby:  doing great.  she is my social butterfly and is never home.  She is constantly playing with friends.  Friends I love.  I am forever grateful for her good judgement in who she hangs out with.

Hannah:  sleepover with two friends tonight.  popcorn, movies, and ice-cream cones cakes.  fun stuff.

Not much to update with them.  we all have end of year itis and want the school year to be done.

Charlotte:  this is where the most updates happen because she is constantly doing new things.  At eighteen months she is talking immensely.  Her newest saying is "i did that"  to whatever she did. good or bad.  throws her food off the tray 'i did dat", puts her shoe on " I did dat", turns the channel on the TV "i did dat"  She also likes to inform us that anything yucky is gross or as she pronounces it "grow"  because she cant do the s yet.  especially her diapers.  and then will say stinky and wave her hand in front of her face.  She told me yesterday when she did a stinky in her diaper by saying gross, waving her hand and "i did dat"    She is constantly cracking me up.

Doug:  chugging along.  has been dealing with some viral strep infection type thing.  not fun.  doing good otherwise.

ME:  taking the final exam for Medical coding I today and then will be moving on to Medical Coding II.  then there is one more class after on Career exploration but that will be like a vacation compared to this nonsense I have been taking.  i am now registered and will be a student at Central Texas College.  I take the placement test Tuesday to see what English and math classes I am taking.  English will be fine.  Math will be disastrous.  I have not done algebra for years so I know I will need to take a remedial math class first.  I am OK with it.  I got the grant and will have everything paid for including books.  I will be taking four classes.  It will take me about 2.5 years to be done.  Fine with me.  I love that everything will be online.  I will be very anti-social come August during the week.   I also sprained my toe.  I kicked a cement block three days ago on accident but it is doing much better.  (I wish I could say I was doing awesome ninja moves instead.)  I learned that most sprains happen with the big toe but I am not most people and sprained the toe next to my pinky.  of course this is not an official doctor diagnosis, just going by past experience. I have been depressed I have not been able to run the past couple days because having shoes on hurt.  Today it looks better and  I may attempt putting my sneakers on and hitting the pavement.  Not running for a couple days has made me not be in the best mood.  I don't like being cranky from lack of running and neither does anybody else around me.

getting out of complacency

 I am always amazed that when I spend daily time with God after not doing so for long periods of time that He starts purging things out of me.  He starts refining me.  The process is not fun but it is freeing.  I never fully walk away I just get in this place of "OK God that is close enough.  I am good now.  things are good.  no more changes necessary."  It is when I get there that I stop spending in depth time in prayer and in depth time in my Bible.  It is also then that I wonder why I am not content and chase after things that don't matter.  It is then that I wonder why my kids are not in a close relationship with Him either.  We get complacent. I don't like being complacent but at the same time there are things I want to hold on to.  There are things I don't want to change.  I am stubborn.  But when I open my hands and say God do what you need to it is so freeing.  I am currently working on the 12 steps for AA.  Disclaimer: every single person should do them, seriously.  It is not just for alcoholics or people who live with alcoholics (Alanon) They can be applied to every life situation.  I at first thought.  the twelve steps don't apply to me.  I am not the problem.  guess what? I got my own problems that need to be fixed.  another disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic. I am a part of Alanon.

Here are the  12 steps.  change the word alcohol to whatever applies. (food, anger, enabler. etc etc etc)  

The first three steps were easy.  Well step one was when I was able to come to that place that I have no power over the alcoholic in my life.  that took years but when I started these i already had realized that.

two and three: these were done back in a day of October 1997.  Jesus Christ made those two happen.

I am now on four.  I have fought for three weeks doing this.  I don't want to think about things that I have not dealt with or think about things that I need to change or think about hurts I have caused others.  Because again I like to revert back to " I am not the one with the problem."   However I started it last night.  It is freeing  to do.  I felt a weight lifted after doing it that I did not know was there  I am not done but it is a start.  I am working it a couple things at a time.  Step 4 is pretty detailed.    I believe once it is complete and once I am completely done with the twelve steps that a lot of the anger I have hidden and carried, that sometimes comes out when it is too much, will be gone.  I believe I will be more in control of my emotions.  I will come to the place of not having to look like" the strong one and holding it all together for the sake of all around me."   I will be free.  I will be at peace.  I will be more like Christ and that is what is most important.

Birthday child

so somehow unbelieveably this child:

Hannah Grace Kennedy

turned nine today.  This child was not planned.  This child was a "we can make it two more months without birth control"  Instead God said "My plan is better."  I, of course, stared at the pregnancy test saying "please say no, please say no.  followed by dang it."   to which I called my husband and said sit down and told him.  All he could do for the next half hour was say to our dear friends Kenny and Vicky, "Tory is pregnant."  The thing is; I still had a baby at home, a 13 month old and a two year old.  However, after the shock wore off we were ecstatic.

This child made me crave a food I loathed, tomatoes and had to have them a lot.  I now love them almost as much as I love her.

She is my funny one.  She is the type of personality I wish I had more of.  So laid back.  So caring.  So full of life.  Everything she does brings her joy.  She forgives the way we all should.  She never brings up old things that were done wrong to her and will leave it in the past where it belongs.

She is my only child that does not know what an elementary classroom is like or what homework is.

She is my child that needs to know the whys to everything and the what ifs to every single scenario of life.  She is shy and quiet until she is comfortable with you and then if she is alone without her sisters will talk non stop.  She is confident and strong.  She can not be pushed around.  She loves life.

She is Hannah Grace, but not graceful.  She is the only child I know who can fall out of chairs at random times and jump up and say "I am OK."   She hates writing but is good at it.  Her imagination is incredible.

She is the only child I know that has a best friend from when she was a baby.  Their connection is unique and like none I have ever seen.  They would call for each other at the church nursery as soon as we entered the building.  They were inseparable until we moved and when we visit I never see her because she practically moves in with her family.

Hannah and Trinity at two

She has brought us such joy.  Such laughter.  I can't imagine a day without her.  It also freaks me out that I know exactly what Charlotte will look like as I look at pictures.

Hannah on the day she got baptized

few words

I have few words today.  No reason.  just in lots of reflection today on what God wants from me.  What does he want me to do.  How does he want me to serve? Is what I am doing enough?  Does he want me to do more of some things, less of others/.  Are there things he wants me to do that I have never done or do that I have not done in a long while.  I know the answer to all these questions....YES.  there are things I know he wants me to do and out of selfishness and not wanting to be hurt, I don't.  some is pure selfishness.  Some is no clear direction or definite answer yet.  Some things, especially one in particular I know is yes, but the timing has just not been right.    I asked for wisdom and honest opinions on something today and was encouraged and reaffirmed that there is one thing I am supposed to do and have put it off out of  fear and doubts.  I questioned if I am supposed to use my talents in a certain way and for years, and I mean years, God has been slowly nudging me to do it.  Now the timing for it just has to happen and it will.  I just patiently wait for the door to open and those of you that know me know patience is not one of my strong points.  So in the meantime i just leave you with this which is one of my favorite songs and where I am at today

this and that

I have not much excitement going on.  My Mother's Day was uneventful.  Well,sort of.  I spent the day in bed. Why?  Because I scratched my cornea taking my contacts out Saturday night.  TO ALL READING THIS: Yes, I take them out nightly.  I have done this before and the pain is always the same.  Excruciating.  I got to sleep a lot.  I got to do nothing which was my plan from the get go. It just would have been nice to not look like  I was crying constantly and having to shut my eye if I had it open for longer than five minutes and not be like a vampire screaming "It burns it burns" when stepping outside.  All is healed now.  I did get a nice present from the children.  Best Mother's Day present ever, seriously, it is my favorite by far.

flower pots with real flowers from the elder girls

I got an A in  my evil Medical coding class.  GO ME!!  Now just to finish up this current one and finish up our last month of official school for the girls.  June 11th is the last day for over two months.  Of course, the two older ones have language arts and math they need to finish but that takes no structure and plans from me.  I am so looking forward to a summer break.  Something we have never done and will see how it goes this year.  We will not be using the pool on post this year because the people that run it decided to raise the price to 120.00 for a family pass for one pool, five days a week.  We would not use that much for it to be worth it.  WE will make some trips to the beach and use friends pools instead.  I foresee them lowering the price for next year.  I can't imagine too many people paying that.

Here is what my baby decided to do today with her diapers and herself:

taken out of the changing table and lined up across the floor

packing herself and a couple diapers in a box

Apparently, she wants to go with Daddy to the field and also with there being a seven year age span between her and Hannah she has taken on first born type A tendencies by lining her diapers up in perfect lines across the floor.  whatever entertains her so I can make dinner.....and can make me laugh when the husband is getting ready to go to the field and his army closet has basically thrown up into my front room