when one gets too busy

I have been for months now juggling too many things.  the things and people that are most important moved down on priorities.  It is caused me too be ineffective as a mom and wife the way I know I am supposed to be.  I commend mom's who work outside the home and still are able to keep the household going without mental breakdowns.  I have discovered I can't.  This is about me and not anybody else.  I personally can not work from home or outside the home and not get overwhelmed.  I have had to take a step back from the crocheting business.  Trying to take care of a baby, moderate preteen drama, home school, school for me, crochet hundreds of hats, take care and maintain the house became way too overwhelming.  I stopped doing my schoolwork and stopped running.  My house became a cluttered mess.  I rarely left.  I went to bed too late and had to get up early. It finally caught up with and had a mental breakdown in my kitchen.  My husband is wonderful.  He helps me all the time.  For me though I am type A so if I cant do all that I want to perfectly than I cant handle it.  So it was a good lesson to step back and realize what the priorities are and step back.  I have learned I can't work from home.  It becomes all I think about and becomes the number one priority.  It is just how I am .  I t was like that when I did another home based business for seven years.  If I did not home school it probably would be different but I know that is what I am supposed to do.  I also am not saying I don't work from home.  I do everyday in maintaining my household and teaching my children Mon -Fri.  I want to do more projects with them.  I want to get up early and go to bed early so we can start our day with good energy and on time.  I want school to not become tedious and boring.  Next year we may be doing different curriculum altogether to help me with this.  It was a lesson I have learned from.  I now know I can only do so much and can't do it all, even though I want to.  I am not quitting crocheting but it is going to slow way down.  When I am done with school I may pick it back up but I have to make sure that I prioritize correctly.  I am just glad the lesson was learned quickly instead of my stubbornness making it drag out forever.

disclaimer on my blog

SO here is a disclaimer about my blog before people think I will only allow commetns that agree with my point of view.

1.  Comments are welcome.  Even when you disagree.

2.  Comments are moderated and get approved by me before being publicly seen.

3.  they are moderated because I want to make sure nothing offensive gets on here.

4.  If you want disagree, do so tastefully.  Offensive language and trying to start argument will lead to deletion of comments.

5.  trying to start an argument and engaging in a battle of wits unarmed will lead to deletion.

6.  being offensive and trying to insult my intelligence by disagreeing like a three old while remaining anonymous makes me refer to #4 and #5.

some things meant to be funny just are not

so there is this picture going around the internet that is meant to be a joke.  I personally think it is not funny.  I think for the people in the picture it is embarrassing and mortifying.  I am sure when they took the picture, they had no idea that this would be happening.  I am sure the person who started it meant it to be a funny joke and did not intend to hurt anybody in it.  That is what happens though when people don't think about how it will affect other people before doing something.  I don't feel I am being too sensitive in this.  Most know, I have a great sense of humor.  I have a sarcastic side.  I can take a joke.  Here is the picture:

two friends at a party take an innocent picture.  Some insensitive moron probably found it on a google search because when you post public images they can be found and be photo shopped with captions.  Insensitive moron posts the picture to be funny and now it is going all over the internet.  Lets put ourselves in these two women's shoes.  

The woman who is overweight:  I am sure she deals with what people see her as on a daily basis.  The stereotypes, the looks, wondering what people think that don't even know her.  Taking a picture when she probably hates any picture taken from the neck down because of how it will be perceived.   Dealing with jokes that are hurtful, like this one.  Those of us that are overweight can tell you what a struggle it is.  You want to get all the cute clothes. You want to get out there and have fun and be the life of the party but instead you sit in the background and don't want to draw attention to yourself because of the weight issue.  So now this woman has to see this probably posted all over the place and probably smiles and brushes it off like it is no big deal, but in her room, she cries.  She is mortified at how cruel people can be.  She probably wants to hide and not come out.  But she cant.  

the woman behind her:  I am sure she is mortified as well.  I am sure she had no intention of wanting to look naked in a picture.  Now she is embarrassed and wonders if people are envisioning her with no clothes all the time.  If there are perves out there looking at her in the picture and doing things in front on the computer like when they look at porn.  that people now have a visual in there head of something that was never intended and if she could take the moment back, she would stand next to her friend.   I am sure her heart breaks for her friend as well who has been made fun of because of her physical appearance.  I wonder how long she will  have to mentally gear up to go out before she feels like people are not looking at her and feel they are giggling behind her back.

It is so hard to move on from being made fun of or cruel jokes.  I still deal with the repercussions of that as a child.  Kids are mean.  As adults when it happens, however, we are supposed to just suck it up and deal with it.  It is a joke however.   Put yourself in the person's place that the joke is made about.   Probably not so funny then.

December happiness....

Oh I love this time of year!!!  It is my favorite.  If I had a choice I would have it be all year.  It brings my heart happiness.  I love the smells, the traditions, decorations, and limited time things that come with it.  There are holiday body washes, holiday coffees, holiday teas, and holiday goodies.  There is music that just brings back childhood memories.  There are smells that remind you of innocence before you became an adult and had to deal with the other side of how it all comes together.   I think that is why us adults just love it.  It helps to relive that time of innocence and carefree feeling that we don't get to experience very often.  There is family to enjoy and good food to eat that only gets made at this time of year.  I mean seriously,  why do we only have green bean casserole on Thanksgiving and Christmas?  trust me, if you had it the way I or my husband makes it it would be sold in National restaurant chains on a weekly basis. I get to relive the joys of childhood by watching my children  help decorate the tree, experience family get togethers, and look at lights in the neighborhoods.  We even like the idea of Santa.  Even though we have told are children the truth all along, we still would go see Santa and take pictures.  They like to pretend and write him letters.  They like to bake cookies and pretend we are going to leave them out.  It is just plain fun.   We adults lose this.  This is why I think we get all decked out and "obsessed" with Christmas things.  We want it back.  For me I don't want it to end and for years the day after Christmas brings me into a slight state of depression. It means it is over.  soon the decorations come down and we go back to everyday living.  Then I jump right back into enjoying it Dec 27th.  I look forward to the new year and new opportunities.  I get to look forward to the day after Thanksgiving when we start the Christmas decorating and can have radio stations tuned into Christmas music all the time.  I get to be thankful for the celebration of birth of the person who changed my life in 1997.  Jesus. He is the best Christmas present of all.

CHristmas 2010.  this will be a tradition I will do every year

Day 22 of 30 days

Today I am very very very thankful for IT people.  Computer people that can help me on the phone.  I have this class I am taking that uses Medisoft.  I figure I would be done by Sunday.  Until I load it on my computer and it won't open.  Of course it was Thanksgiving weekend so everybody was gone.  My teacher is on vacation until today.  SO Sunday night when the people at Magraw Hill could walk me through and magically I can now finish.  Of course I cant start my new class until I get the materials so no biggie but I will be done with it this week.  You computer techie people, I love you.

day 21 0f 30 days

Today I am just thankful that God knocks my socks off.  He just blesses me when I am not expecting.  He answers prayers when I think they never will get answered.  there is so much going on in our life right now.  Changes are getting made in good ways.   things I have prayed on for years have been answered.  Things I pray for recently get answered almost instantly.  Even things that I have not prayed about, I get a blessing.  The crazy thing is:  I don't deserve any of it.  I don't do anything on my own to even merit an  answer to prayer.  I get busy.  I get focused on me.  I treat God at times like I would not even treat my dog.  Yet he still loves me Yet he still blesses me to let me know "you are my favorite" (He favors everybody. but that is what is cool about God.  every child is his favorite.)  I am just in awe today.

So this was 1 year ago today. this baby turns 1 today.  This is what I am thankful for today.  This is a baby that I never thought we would have.  After Hannah I was done.  I wanted no more children.  So for seven years we watched the older three grow.  We enjoyed the freedoms you get when children become self sufficient,  then in 2009 God put it on my heart we would have another.  I brushed it off as craziness.  I argued and said you are not talking to me.  I then started to like the idea and told my husband while he was at AIT (school for his job) He said I was thinking the same thing.  Well that confirmed it.  So we decided to just go with it.  We didn't actively plan but we did not prevent.  It took about six months.  We got pregnant almost two years to the day the same time we did before my miscarriage in 2008.   We found out the end of March there would be another one.  This pregnancy was completely different than the others.  I was convinced it was a boy.  nope.  It was different because I was pregnant in my mid 30's.  Her due date at first was the exact same due date as when we were pregnant in 2008.  That got changed but was not surprised it did.   She came fast and furious three days early.  I always labor light for about 24 hours and then have a good few hours of intense labor.  (Don't hate)  So I thought it would be the same.  It started the same but I didn't believe it because I don't have babies early.  they are late or on their due date.  So I thought Nov 24th were Braxton Hicks.  Surely this baby will come after my husband is already here.  He was coming home for R&R.   Well I got woken up at 4:30 with consistent contractions. I cleaned a little and then at 6:30 got my neighbor's teenage daughter to come in.  I thought like always I will go in, they will tell me I am at three cm, send me home and I will go back in 6-7 hours.  I was mostly right.  everything but the 6-7 hours part.  I cam home about 7.  I went to bed and then woke up about 8:45 with intense contractions.  I was in denial and thought they would stop.  Nope after 5 sets about 5 min apart., had the neighbor come over.  I drove myself -by a miracle of God.  I was too prideful to ask anybody to take me being Thanksgiving.  A nice happy couple in the parking lot that was pregnant and there for a stress test got me a wheelchair.  She got to see what labor is like and rumors also almost started because I was asked if her husband was mine.   My husband mind you still has no clue.  HE was on his way home but had no way to tell him.  I got checked and was at 6 cm.  I walked across the hall and got in the bed and said get the doctor now and I was at 10.  HE came in  and barely got his gloves on and I pushed her out.  She was here at 9:39.  All 6 lbs 11 oz of her.  All natural birth. I do that on purpose.  the husband finds out on the phone.  Even if her were here he would have missed it if he blinked.  So it has been a wonderful year.  I cant imagine my life without her and daily look at her and say " I can't believe god gave us you."

day 19 of 30 days

Today I am thankful the smells that will be flowing from my kitchen shortly.  There are pies to bake today, apple and pumpkin.  There are side dishes to prep and get ready for tomorrow.  This year I am thankful I an not doing it while having contractions.  Last year I thought they were Braxton Hicks because in no way do I ever give birth early.  Little did I know the next day Charlotte would be here.  I am thankful the parents will be coming tomorrow to spend it with us and that we just get to enjoy the time together.  We will watch the Macy's Day parade and have pancakes for breakfast.  We will watch the dog show after while I cook the turkey and cook the other goodies.  Christmas music will also be played and we will just be thankful for everything we have.  It will also be bittersweet again because many people that we love will not be here or us there to enjoy together.

Day 18 of 30 days

Today, I am thankful that I was born with common sense and have the intelligence to decipher when our elected officials do things based on votes or money and not what they are supposed to do, which is govern.  Something I believe that has been mostly forgotten due to greed and self preservation because they don't really care about the people.  I think there are a few out there that do want to do what is best for us and really have their heart for what we want, but, they are few.  I also think most start out with good intentions but lost it along the way due to lobby pressure and campaign fund pressure and "if you do this, then I will do that." which sickens me. so why my rant?  Here :pizza is a vegetable  Of course reading this it is realized tomato paste is what they are declaring as a vegetable, not pizza itself.  Well,  OK then.  Now I can serve cookies for breakfast since they contain grains and dairy.  woo hoo.  my kids will be excited.  I have seen school lunches.  I have eaten school lunches.  I can assure you they are not "good food"  When my kids were in school they only occasionally got to eat them.  It is a bunch of processed nonsense with ingredients that nobody can pronounce and call it food.  Then wonder why kids are diagnosed with ADHD and cant concentrate after eating.   Seriously people.  Anybody that voted on this should be voted out.  These are the things that annoy me, especially when we have a budget that needs to be balanced.  I think if you are in Congress and waste my tax dollars voting on stupidity then you should not get paid that day.  Maybe then they would concentrate on what really is important instead of acting like two year olds in a sandbox.

Day 17

Today I am thankful for when my girls want to spend time with me and I stop what I am doing to do so.  I a lot of times, say I can't or after I do this.  I want to be more concentrated on putting whatever I am doing to the side and just spend time with them.  Sometimes saying later is necessary but a lot of the times I am, it is just out of my selfishness.  I only have a few more years left with them and I need to grab every opportunity and hold tight on to it to create great memories and bonds now.  These teenage years are coming as well..  I don't expect them to be to bad.  Some bumps along the way but I am holding fast to God protecting my girls and the respect they have for us for them to not become "typical stereotypical teenage girls"  I know crazy.  We do this crazy concept of being on the overprotective side and dare I say it, discipline. WE stick to consequences when they disobey.  We discipline what seems like little things now so we won't have huge things later.  We don't back down when tired or it would be easier to just give in.  There are days when they break my heart and rip it out of my chest and stomp it with words they say or looks they give me or disobey what has been asked.  There are days they don't like me or the rules we have.  There are days they don't understand why my no has to be the only answer they get because they are not ready for a full explanation.  there are friendships we have cut off because they are not a good influence and will drag my children down a path I don't want them on.  (Thanks mom for doing that with me.  Which I can only say now that I have children of my own because I now get it.) We played hangman last night and the phrases the younger two thought of had to do with me being the best. It melted my heart.  I also should blow it up and frame it for the next time I tell them no and they roll their eyes at me.

day 16 of 30 days

Today I am thankful for Sundays.  It is one of my`favorite days.  There is a church we love that has great worship and is not afraid to preach the bible as truth, even when it is not popular.  There are chicken wings to be enjoyed and family time together watching football.  Hopefully we can say we are thankful that the Giants win. There are good books to read and yarn to make into things I never thought I could.  there are children's laughter and listening to them play with each other. (there is also listening to arguing but I am thankful for it because one day this house will no longer have children in it and I know I will miss it.)  today is just a day to breathe sighs of relief and just ponder on what I have to be thankful for.

day 15 of 30 days

Yup I am behind...AGAIN.  I am too busy these days.  If I don't do this first thing, then it wont get done.  Life gets crazy.  So I am thankful for a friend who lent me their carpet shampooer and thankful that I had the speed of the Road Runner in scrubbing my floors today.  the carpets were in desperate need of it.  somehow, (it is undetermined at this moment, but, we think it is the invisible child "ididntdoit") chalk paint got put all over the carpet in a child's room and tracked down the hall down the stairs.  thankfully it mostly came out but some stains are left.  I have resided we will replace the carpets in that room anyway.  I also am thankful I was able to scrub the floors so I can concentrate on thanksgiving menu items and getting things prepped for my favorite day of the year.  It is my absolute favorite holiday.  I adore it more than Christmas.   I have things I love about Christmas but I what I love about Thanksgiving is the focus is family and being thankful.  Not who got what presents and the stress of who gets presents, who doesn't, how much gets spent, trying not to feel guilty when you can't do what you want for others because of the commercialism of it all.  that is a blog for another day and will come after Thanksgiving.

day 14 of 30 days

Day 14 was yesterday.  Yesterday, however, I was brain dead.  Doing everything I have been doing and burning the midnight oil and trying to get up at 6:00 came to abrupt halt yesterday.  All day I could not think and was cranky.  At 9:00 I was in bed falling asleep.  Those that know me, know I am up until midnight usually.  It has become too much and will no longer be doing so.  I so badly wanted to blog yesterday  because it was about the one person I share my life with.

So on Day 14 (yesterday) I am thankful for my husband. Yesterday we celebrated 13 years of marriage.  It is a milestone I can assure you being three years ago it was practically over.  (That story is a blog for another time but it truly is an amazing story of what Jesus can do to fix a marriage and two broken people if you let Him.)  We are stronger than we have have ever been and I love him more and more everyday.  It is so different when you get out of that infatuation stage and truly realize what loving a person means.  He puts up with my quirks and sometimes impossible type A standards. He puts up with neurotic behavior.   He deals with me leaving all my kitchen cabinets open and then me yelling at myself for doing it.   He just puts up with me.  The me nobody else really knows.   Yet, he still loves me and tells me everyday.    He works hard and in a job that is not so fun most times so I can stay home with our girls and be a homemaker.  A job I love and would not trade it for any other job in the world no matter how much I would get paid.  He is a wonderful Dad and hope that the girls will find a husband that compares to him.  He shows affection all the time and is all around a good man.  He makes me feel safe.  He is what I am thankful for today.

this is one of my favorite pictures

Today I am thankful for these:

pomegranates!!!

If you have not tried one of these yummy delicious fruits, you are missing out.   They are tasty and they only come out during the fall/winter season So we snatch up as many as we can.  They take work to enjoy but are worth it.  I am also thankful to the person who told me to put them in a bowl of water to get the jewels out.  They are really messy otherwise. You can do everything with them.  I plan to make cookies this week with them and chocolate chips.  yummy!!!  We just eat them the way god made em usually.

Day 11 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

I always wait to see what God puts on my heart to be thankful for.  Today there was nothing specific.  he just reminded me that I am blessed.  I am thankful for the blessings I have today.  I am blessed with a hard working husband who knows my hearts desire is to stay home with the beautiful girls.  I am blessed with a 4 bedroom house that while my husband is a soldier I never have to worry about having a place to live.  I am blessed with friends here and in far away places who in just the right moment can make me smile.  Here is an example:

from Barb because she loves me

I am blessed with children who are obedient and a joy to be around. (Ye,s there are times when they make me crazy but that comes with living with different personalities.  That is what babysitters and play dates were invented for.)     I am blessed with a great church that is not afraid to preach the truth of the bible and has great worship.  I am blessed with a relationship with Jesus that knocks my socks off on a daily basis.  I am just thankful for the life I live and the opportunities I have that I never thought were possible.  I am thankful for every trial that I now know was a blessing because it molded me into I am and will continue to mold me into become more like Christ even when the process at the moment may hurt.  I would not change any of it.  My life in general is just something I am truly thankful for every single day.

day 10 and 11 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

I missed yesterday.  It was crochet and cleaning craziness.   SO here is what I meant to post yesterday and then following is today:

Day 10:  I am thankful for answered prayers that come out of no where.  Abby is in gymnastics.  She is naturally talented and taught herself cartwheels and such.   In proper form, mind you.  We could not let this natural ability go wasted.  This also means the further you go, the more expensive it gets.  She is on competitive team.  This means training two days a week for a pricey monthly amount.  This also means uniforms, dues, meet fees, etc.   SO we were thinking this would not be happening anymore due to the financial strain it was putting us in.  It was heartbreaking.  There were lots of tears.  Then there was the answered prayer sitting in my garage.  We got some gymnastics mats.  Professional ones they use in the gyms.  They get used here but she does not need all of them.   We asked if we could trade the mats for tuition for a couple months.  We get approved for FOUR MONTHS.  Which is exactly the time we need until the tax return comes and we could be able to afford to put her back in. Yup, God is cool like that.  He also likes to make things happen for us very last second.   SO when we are about to give up, HE comes in and makes it happen.

Day 11:  Veteran's Day.  I am thankful to all that serve.  especially my husband.  I am thankful for the sacrifice made and that has been made so we have the freedoms we have.  It is because I can freely blog, I can read whatever books I want,  I can proudly say 'I follow Jesus, read my bible, and go to church" without fear of death.  I am thankful I can wear the clothes I want, that I can vote, that I can drive, that I got to choose who I could marry.  I am thankful that as a woman in America I am not treated as less than a man.  I am thankful I can take a vacation where ever I feel like all over the world.  I am thankful for the opportunities this country has and  that even if we were homeless and without a steady income I most likely will get to eat everyday, somewhere.   So I am grateful.  I am grateful for the men and women who go out there everyday and don;'t even think twice about themselves but what the mission is to accomplish and if that means their life ends that day, then so be it.  

Day 9 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

today I am thankful I have the opportunity to stay home with my children and home school.  I would not want to do anything else in the world.  I love my "job".  I get to be the one to raise them.  I get to be the one to teach them without all the other yuckiness that comes with sending them off to school.  There is no bullying,  There is no keeping up with the latest fashions.  There is no pressure of fitting in.  There are no mean girls.  There are no standardized testing pressure where if they take it they fail.  There is no 3 hours of homework.  There is a pass only with a 100% policy, so we have the freedom to stay on a subject until it is understood completely and not have to move on because the school board says there are standards that need to be met in a certain time frame or can't move on pass that for the same reasons.  We also are not hermits and stay home and never go out.  My kids do get some of the real world with friends and have dealt with issues of kids being kids and girls being girls. There have been lessons on forgiveness and asking for it.  there have been lessons on how Jesus would want them to be when they are not treated the way they should.  I get to be in control of who they hang out with though, mostly.  If a child influences mine to behave opposite of what we teach then they are denied interacting with them  as much as possible.  Sometimes group setting prevent this.  But sometimes it is necessary being throughout life we all have to interact with people that are not a good influence.  That way they are not shocked into reality when they go out there on their own.  I am OK to be the mean one. I am OK if they get mad at me when I tell them no.  It means I am doing my job as their parent.  They have friends.  I am not in this season to be theirs.  Friendship with them will come when they are adults.  I am thankful for the values that were instilled in me growing up and parents who parented me and told me no.     It helped to mold me and be able to parent my own children more effectively.

Day 8 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful I started running again after two weeks and still was able to run 2.1 miles in 31 min.    I am also thankful for what helped me get started running.  couch to 5k  My sis- n- law, Barb, did this a few years ago.  I thought to myself i have always wanted to run but running anywhere was tiring.  I tried cross country in high school.  I have always admired marathon runners.  Then I tried it myself.  Then after two weeks I my knees.  I pulled some ligaments.  Then I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte.  So after she was born, after my six weeks. I decided to give it a go again.  I wore knee braces to make sure I didn't cause damage again.  The first three weeks were torture.  I hated it but you know me with a challenge.  I had to complete it to say I did it.  Then I was going to stop.  I then started week 4 and liked the way I felt while running.  I have been doing it ever since.  I don't run 3 miles but I run 2.1 and I am good with that.  (This ties in with my challenge next month to run every day for 30 days)  So for now I am going to be doing every other day.

Day 7 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that my Medical Terminology class is OVER.  I got an A overall and I now pretty much know what a disease is if somebody says it.  That class was going to be the death of me.  I started during block leave back in July and got off kilter is getting it done in a timely manner that it took forever.  I am also thankful to get an extension on my scholarship for another six months so instead of having to be completely done in February,I have until August.  I won't take that long since I am back to being disciplined and everyday I am doing a lesson.  This school has been wonderful and is perfect for my crazy life.  One class at a time, at my own pace.  Which is good and bad. Good that I don't have the pressure to get things done by a certain.  Bad that I can sit in a class for 5 months.  Now The class I am taking is medical office procedures.  That will take me about two weeks to get through.  easy easy easy.

Day 6 of 30 days of Thanksgiving

Today I am very thankful that a trip to the ER last night for our youngest Charlotte was nothing.  Yesterday Abby had her first gymnastics meet and I get a call from my 12 year old that Charlotte was possibly choking and making weird noises.  Her Daddy was there but she was afraid she would get in trouble because she was put in charge while Doug went to do something in the garage.  I told her to get him now.  He monitored her and then decided after some wheezing noises to take her to the hospital and I met him there.   It was intermittent wheezing noises which reminded me of when Hannah was a baby and swallowed a penny that got stuck.    I am also thankful that our experiences at the ER here on post have been good ones.  We were in and out relatively quickly.  OF course, possibly choking is a true emergency so I am sure that is part of the reason.  When I got there I let her nurse and after that she seemed fine.  She was her happy joking self.  She really liked the DR.  She laughed at him and kept saying "ow ow".  To which I thought really?  HE is not even doing anything.  She was just being her silly self.   they took x-rays and they came back clear.  So if she was choking it went down and will turn up later.  

day 5 of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that my van keys were found.  This may seem silly.  But it is not.  they had been missing for almost two weeks.  Today's cars are not just a simple make a new key fix.  It is an expensive fix.  You have to go to the dealership to buy a key that can be programmed for your car.  This costs anywhere from 150.00-500.00.  I vote going back to horse and carriage.  You can get cheaper ones on the internet but you still have to have them programmed which costs extra.   I also don't care if my next car has automatic windows and door openers.  I have three of them  They are the walking, breathing minions that live in my house.   Here is how it can work.  This may be a crazy concept.  I look at child and say "roll down the window"  or  "open the door so I can put the baby in"  I know, insanity.  So we, for two weeks,  were down to one car.  We survived.  We were able to do it.   Minor inconvenience, yes.  Is it nice to have two cars, yes.  Is it a need, no.  In our family it is not.  Some families it is.  So please don't think that if you are reading this that I think if your family has two cars that is is not a necessity.  I realize work situations and medical situations sometimes require more than one vehicle.   Soon we will be going to one car.  We are looking to sell both of ours and pay off debt and hopefully the next car we get will not have a car payment.  It may not look pretty.  It may not be new but it will serve its purpose of getting us to where we need to go and on that day I will be thankful that money used for a car payment can be used for a family vacation or things that our kids want to do.

DAy 4 of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that our eldest daughter Janessa has been practically cured from her ADHD tendencies.  She was cured through going gluten free.  Some things are still the same but that ids from years and years of her brain being trained into doing things a certain way.  She can still only focus on one task at a time.  She can not multi task.  I need to make sure she is looking at me when I am giving her tasks and I only give them to her one at a time.  In other words I can't tell her go get dressed, put on deodorant, brush your hair and teeth, and clean your room.  I tell her go get dressed then come see me.  Now go brush your hair and teeth then come see me.  She will be one who will need to be a diligent list maker and follower.  This is not a bad thing. I love lists.  I am lost without them.  there have been times when I have asked if changing her diet actually was effective and when I do somebody will tell me how different she is.   Latest example:  Her teacher from church on Wednesdays tells me how different she is than last year.  She is more calm.  She no longer has loud outbursts out of excitement.  She is more engaged and focused. ( I was also told she holds her own with the older boys so if they mess with her like boys do with each other  (typical wrestling and tagging stuff) she will not hold back and becomes like "one of the boys"  her teacher tells them they don't know who they are messing with and she will take em down. )  It made me realize she is stronger than I give her credit for.   I am thankful for what I call the gift of gluten sensitivity because I have been able to help others because of it.   If we are having to have this and it leads to helping others find out what their issues are then I welcome it.

30 Days of Thanksgiving.

There are a few bloggers doing this as a theme and I have decided to as well.  I am not exactly behind, I just have posted it here.  So here are things that I have been thankful for the past few days

Day 1 Nov 1:  I am thankful that God has blessed me with a new business with doing something I love.  Crocheting.  I am blown away constantly with people messaging me about things they would like me to make.  It has come at a time that we have a need for some extra income.

Day 2:  Nov 2.  I am thankful for meds that I can take while breast feeding, Sudafed has been my friend the past two days

Day 3:  Nov 3rd  I am thankful for colds that end quickly and a husband and children that will let me get the rest I need and help with the baby.  I totally believe getting the rest needed helped to speed up the recovery process.

changes

This week is a week of changes.  Changes in how I do things and run my household.   We for the longest time and have just been laid back and get done what gets done when it gets done.  Well, I will still have this approach but it will start earlier.  There is reading I miss doing.  There are the free afternoons I miss.  There are many blankets and things to crochet. There is my own school work I need to concentrate on.  There are a few things I have started implementing but this week starts full force. I am tired of waking up after eight and then trying to get everything done with the distractions of the minions.  I am tired of starting school at 10 and then being mad we don't get done until 2 or 3.  So here is my list:

wake up at 6:30 daily-This allows for bible devotions and reading the Respect Dare

Start school at 9:00-this way we can be done realistically by 1:00 (12:00 for seat work)

daily study my own schoolwork.   Medical Terminology is my nemesis.  I actually have to study.  (This really goes against my princess entitlement mentality)

do things with the children daily-play games, go to the park, go to the library, etc etc etc.  It is that time of year where outside is heavenly and I can sit there without dying from the heat. I am tired of the TV, computer and video games and want to become Amish.

Run every other day, Zumba on the other days every other day-so run one day, Zumba next day.-If you are reading this and have no idea what Zumba is :click here

follow a chore list-this is for me not my children.  I like to have a major chore once a day Mon-Fri so I am not doing it all in one day.

prepare the children's schoolwork the day before and have it ready for them when they wake up as I sing and the come down the stairs joining me in song because they are so happy to be getting up at 8:00 and are eager to start school.   (Please remember I use lots of sarcasm is that is not obvious)

set my coffee maker for the night before so I can have my coffee waiting for me so I can live in princess entitlement mentality for a few minutes.

Read books and crochet daily

Teach myself to knit-I do better teaching myself.  It is a curse I have to not let others see me do something I do not already know how to do.  I have had it forever.  My mom says I did not walk until 18 months and when i did it was like I have been doing it forever.  I guarantee I was practicing when nobody was looking and then when I had it perfected I let all see me do it.  Type A personality people, is all I can say.

Make lists-I love lists.  It helps me remember and it makes me feel accomplished.

Menu plan-I love to plan menus for dinner.  It makes grocery shopping easier and  amazingly I spend less.  I also enjoy not having to scramble at 5 wondering what I am making for dinner.  I plan to do theme nights weekly.  Sunday is wing day in our house, Monday is Mexican Monday, Tuesday will be meatless mania, and Wednesday will be Crock pot Craziness.

Not be so set in my ways of how we do school.  It is why I home school.  It is so I don't have to follow any rules of "it has to get done this way" so to speak.  Today is Columbus Day.  History lesson will be done through video.

Last but not least.  Blog here more.  It is my release.  It is my stress reliever.  It helps my perspective.

Last but not least will be enjoy and relish in this crazy life I have that I absolutely adore.

My fast

so I am writing about fasting.  I am not doing a typical fast where I don't eat.  I can't for health reasons.  Breastfeeding and fasting is probably not a good idea.  Yes, I am still breastfeeding my ten month old.  I will do it as long as she wants to or two years which ever comes first.  That is a post for another time.  I am fasting from social networking.  No Facebook, No Google plus, no Twitter.  Twitter is not really a big deal.  I rarely use it.  Facebook and Google Plus however are another story.  It is how I keep in touch with everybody.  It is fast, easy, and convenient.  It is perfect for me because I loathe talking on the phone.  Yes, I know my mom is probably spitting her coffee on the screen.  As a teenager you could not get me off the phone.  Now I would rather just talk to the person, in person.  If no,t I would rather converse through typing.  I guess it is due to kids and not having them become wild wildebeests once I get on the phone.  However, most of my friendships are physically impossible to get together with being four hours apart.  There are things I need to concentrate on and purge in my life.  Social Networking prevents me from being able to do that.  It is addicting.  It makes it simple to know what is going with everybody.  This is good.   It makes it simple to know what is going on with everybody when I don't want to know what is going on with everybody.  This is bad.  There are some things I just don't need to know nor should be shared.  There are things that get misunderstood.  There are statuses posted that are cryptic which leads to speculation and rumor starting.  I forget not everybody is like me and if I don't understand what you are posting I will directly ask you and not assume it is something it is not.  ( well I may assume but that is why I ask to make sure what I am assuming is right.)  However, there are things that I also need to be in deep prayer on.  My life is living in the unknown.  It is the life of military living.  Nothing is guaranteed, EVER.   I need to be in prayer on wisdom and discernment on the decision my husband needs to make regarding staying in or getting out.  I am in prayer over the myriad of health issues that plague our family.  My husbands chronic bank pain, My eldest's ADHD tendencies, Abby's Achalasia, Hannah's unexplainable minor stomach pain and my weight and food issues.  (These last few you can read in my newest blog here.  put in your email if you want notifications.)  There are many things I want to do first before I look into medical intervention.   there are also people who have things going on that I am also in deep prayer for and every time I think about getting on the social networking, I go to intercession instead.  Just know that if you are one of them reading this.  I have never fasted before. I have tried food fasts but I am not joking every single time I have I found out a day or two later I was pregnant-NO JOKE.   This is what I am doing the next seven days.

heavy heart

oh my heart is broken.  In everything I have been through these past few years this is by far one of the most heart wrenching things ever.  Our sweet Belle had to be put to sleep.  We have her for a wonderful nine years.  We got her when she was 9 weeks old.  This is her story:

When my husband married he told me he wanted a Bull Mastiff.  I had no clue what that was but I did know mastiff and instantly thought we will have the dog from Turner and Hooch.  I can't have a drooly dog.  Well I researched it.  Not the same dog.  But a big dog.  let me rephrase that a ginormous dog.  But being later I researched they don't drool, are great with children, and don't shed.  I was all for it.  An opportunity came for us to get her at a really good price because of our friend's Kenny and Vicky who knew the owners.  She came from a litter of twelve.  We go to the house and the parents of Belle were the biggest dogs I have ever seen.  The father's head was the size of a Volkswagen.  We meet the puppies.  Some of them were jumpy and crazy.  My only requirement was a female being we had a male dog already.  Belle was quiet yet interested.  She was doing puppy things but not all crazy and we instantly fell in love.  We took her home.  She was so easy to potty train and crate train.  She never chewed up anything except the occasional Barbie when it was in her space.  She rarely went to the bathroom in the house.  She did do some things that made me insane though and always muttered "that stupid dog" when she did.  For instance, most dogs will bark and scratch the door to let you know they need to go out.  Not Belle. She would come up to you and stare you down until you got so tired of it you got up to let her out.  There were a couple times she assumed we were not home and just went in the house.  Let's just say cleaning up after a 150 pound dog is not like cleaning up after a Chihuahua but as much as it made me crazy I would do it gladly if she could be here for awhile longer.  She would eat entire loafs of bread off the table, if left within her reach.  We never had to worry about her getting anything else off the counter or table though.  There was one time after I gave birth to Hannah though that somebody made me spaghetti sauce.  It was frozen when brought to me so I left it out to thaw.  Most dogs would make a complete mess of it after eating it but not Belle.  She pulls it down tears a corner off the bag and licks it all out leaving me an empty bag on the floor.  No mess to clean up.  I could not even get mad at her because it made me laugh. 
    There was one thing she hated.  Cats.  She chased them whenever the opportunity arose and was the only time I have ever seen her run. Except one cat.  Our cat Mittens.  After Abby begged and pleaded for a day to let the cat that found us to live with us, Doug tried to prove a point that Belle hates cats.  Abby brings the cat in and Belle could have cared less.  The cat stayed.
   She was wonderful with our girls from the time they were little babies.  They would crawl on her and sit on her like a horse.  Most said she was not a dog but a miniature pony.  They would pull on her lips and she just sat there and let them.  She loved them.  She had to be right where they were especially when new people came over.  She just always made her presence known quietly.  She never growled.  She just let people know I am here and they are mine.  As a matter of fact, she had to be outside with me when I went.  I never realized it until recently.  It is because she was so passive in her protection of us.  One time camping I had to leave and come back.  She followed me out the gate and waited for me.  She is not even my dog, she is my husband's dog.  I never ever worried about how she would react if somebody ever tried to hurt me.  I know she would protect me.  Now if there is a bug zapper anywhere, that is a different story.  She was deathly afraid of them.  It was the most ridiculous site ever.  If she heard it she refused to go outside.  Try moving a passive aggressive 150 pound dog.  That was a workout in itself.  I always had to make sure it was turned off or getting her out was a chore.   She also hated scales and that was ridiculous as well to get her to stand on a scale and stay on it.  Bull Mastiffs are prone to cancer and do not live long They live on average less than ten years. Before my husband came home from Iraq, I noticed a growth on her back the size of a grapefruit.  It grew very fast because I never noticed until it was that size.  the vet could not confirm it was cancer but said she did not feel good about it.  She did not act or look sick.  she just looked like the hunch bank of Notre Dame.   We decided to not make any decisions until Doug got back.  It is like she waited for him and for a final trip to Fl to see the rest of our family to have it get worse.  Our trip to Fl was wonderful but that is when she started to deteriorate.  We had to help her get up to go out.  Reality hit us.  We knew when we got back that we would be making that call.  It was only three days after coming back that it hurt to look at her in such pain.  She panted constantly and the morning we called the vet, she was laying down with her back legs straddled in an unnatural position.  Doug and I stayed with her when they euthanized her.  She calmly just went to sleep.  Hardest thing we have had to ever endure.
    The house is not the same.  I keep expecting to hear her role over.  I keep expecting to hear her scare the crap out of everybody that walks by the back yard with her low bellowing bark.  I keep expecting to see her run after any cats she sees outside.  I don't know how long we will keep feeling this way or how long it will be before we want another dog because I know we will never find a dog like her.  She really was the best dog ever.

Belle-12/2001-07/28/2011

My Isaac

so one would think by that title I am going to talk about a person.   Church last night got me.   the preaching convicted me on things I am unnecessarily holding on to.  I am about to admit things about me I don't like.  I saw some of the ugly in me that I don't like to think about.  I like to think I am perfect.  I like to think I have it all together.  I like to think that I have nothing that I need to get rid of in my life.  If this were so then Christ died for nothing.  But no, he dies for this very sin I am struggling with.  I am then humbled and grateful that He does not hold this against me and love me despite me.   Grace is not something I can ever fully grasp but am truly thankful for.  I hear a sermon on Abraham and Isaac.  I was fine.  I am thinking"'I can think of a few people who need to hear this"  Then the question gets asked "What is your Isaac?"  meaning what are you holding on to that you wont give over to God.  Are there hurts that you are holding on t?.   UGH!!  Fine God...yes.  I struggle with total forgiveness of hurts done to me.  Especially when they are complete fabricated lies that call my character and family members character into question.  I hold on to the hurt and in some way hope that the same is done to them.  It is not a pretty quality I like about myself nor do I want to justify it as human nature.  For months now I have been dealing with this with a situation that no details will be given on here or anywhere public.  I have daily said I forgive but they have just been words.  God commands me to forgive.  He does not say forgive if you feel like it.  He does not say forgive only if the person/people say I am sorry.  He does not say forgive only if the people find out the whole story and  come to you to find out the other side.  He says" forgive like I forgave you"  I don't deserve it.  I know my heart.  This means I do not have the right to hold on to unforgiveness.  This means I just do it and free myself.  This means doing certain things to remove temptation to be bitter and unforgiving.  This involves not replaying the situations over and over in my head.  This involves not letting my imagination take over.  This involves block buttons on Facebook.  (If i can't see Facebook pages and comments, I stop thinking about it)  This involves giving up control.  I DON'T like to do that but it is necessary to move on and be free.  It is necessary to become more like Christ which is my ultimate desire. 

My summer to do's

I am setting some goals for myself for this summer.  I am going to be reading again. I stopped and am sad I did.  I love reading.  I have just let myself get more into other things like new fun presents such as my Itouch, running, and school. (I guess I should add a baby in there as well)  so here is my list:

run four days a week consistently
run a 5k in twenty-seven min (how I started that adventure will be a blog soon)
read at least two books a month from The list (unless I read Sophie's Choice...that might take longer
complete two of my college classes (which is also another blog soon)
lose twenty-four pounds (about  eight pounds a month-my summer lasts until the end of August)
visit the different beaches here in Coastal Georgia at least twice a month
stick to natural eating as much as possible.  (not raw just not processed,enriched, or sugar added)  this will be a hard one.  the hubby comes home and he loves Oreo's.  I can not find natural Oreo's, that wont taste gross anywhere.  We also go on vacation to visit family.  I am just not going to be a stickler while visiting.

Memorial Day thoughts

So today is Memorial Day.  This year it has completely new meaning for me.  It was not until my husband joined the army that I started to grasp what it truly means.  To some it means no school.  To some it means BBQ and family time.  For me in one way, it is an easy way to remember when the pool opens here on post.  For us it is all these things, but this year in particular I am reminded of what it is for because it is personal.  I guess it always should have been .  I did have a cousin who lost his life in the Vietnam War but I was not even born when that happened and it was never really talked about nor do I know much about him.  I have seen a picture of him and all I knew is that he died in the war.  Today I remember SFC Clifford Beattie.  This year I can say I know somebody who sacrificed his life for our freedom.   news article on him  I am thankful for all those that sacrificed.  I am also thankful that my husband gets to come home soon.  This leads to slight "army wife guilt" because I know there are those, like Karen, who will not have that privilege.   I will be bittersweet today.  I will be more quiet and reflective than I normally am, I may even shed some more tears today as I still process this.  It is so unfair but war never is.  It would be nice if we could all work it out like kids in the sandbox but that is not reality.  The reality is that war is sometimes necessary.  You reading this may not agree with it or why we are there.  I don't like we are there.  I do however enjoy posting blogs, enjoy being able to express my opinion, enjoy being able to worship God without fear of death, enjoy wearing whatever clothes I feel like and not having to cover up every ounce of skin, and I enjoy that I get to call myself an American.   That is what soldiers are defending.  So pause today while doing what you are doing and be thankful for our military in what they do and have done, especially those who have lost their lives defending it.

marriage in this deployment

My heart is just filled to the brim in writing this today.  I hope it gives encouragement.  Marriages in deployment go through changes.  some of them are good.  some of them not so good.  Ours thankfully is good and for us, even stronger.  There are the horror stories you hear which makes some husbands fearful, and rightfully so.  We as wives get a power of attorney.  This is intended for our protection and to be able to handle things when they arise such as financial, car insurance, car loans, military ID etc., moving.  Well on the very bad extreme some wives have been known to clear housing, drain the bank accounts, and move as if they did not exist.  The soldier comes home to no home and no money.   Some spouses cheat on each other whether in secret or in the open.  Some soldiers come home and wonder what happened to all that extra deployment money.  thankfully, I can say, that none of these things happened with us.  For us this deployment has changed both of us.  It has made us both better to each other.  We are better than ever before in communicating.  We are better than ever before in the area of finances and understanding each other.  The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.   Sometimes it takes a separation that you did not choose to do, to realize what you are missing.

how i have dealt

These past 10 months have been the slowest yet the fastest of my life.  A lot of people wonder "how does one do this?"  For me I am pretty independent.  I love my husband but he is not what makes me live.  I hear of so many wives who "freak out" and get such undo anxiety due to their husband leaving.  It is like their world ends and they can not continue on unless he is there stuck like an added appendage.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss him.  There are days that I ache for him to be here.  There are days that there were tears because I don't think I can continue in this deployment one more day by myself.  I keep busy.  I go to school.  I raise four children.  I home school three of them and the fourth one is a baby who is in constant need of something.  I crochet.  I read.  I run 3 miles 3 - 4 days a week.  I Zumba with my Wii.  I blog.  I Facebook.  I bible study.  I go to church.  I force myself to socialize when I would rather be a hermit.  This is because my children have friends and I am forced to meet their parents.  I have this rule where my children can not go to another child's house until I meet the parents.  That way if I get the feeling about them that I don't like I can say "no, you cant go there"  Being a hermit would be easy.  Putting myself out there is not.  Yes I am an extrovert but I also am a "sensitive extrovert"  I am not shy but i do not like to get hurt or burned.  I like to think that all are like me and would never intentionally cause pain to me emotionally.  I am wary with trusting others due to this.  It is my protective shield for my heart.  It is why I am slow at becoming close and opening up to people.  It is why I am OK with a handful of friends.  It is why I usually hang out in groups of people and not one on one.  It is something I am daily working to overcome.  It prevents me from helping others in need.  I also daily work on forgiving wrongs done to me.  Eventually it will be true.  It is healing for me because I know that God commands it and in the end unforgiving only hurts me.

we have almost made it

We have almost made it.  We have a couple more weeks.  I have done my 1st deployment.  IF we stay in the army, it will not be my last.  It is the life of an army wife.  The past 11 months I have done the job of two parents.  I commend single mom's.  There were days I thought I can not do this.  the difference is I still have the privilege of staying home and a steady paycheck.  Single Moms or Dads, for that matter, don't have that luxury.  They have to go to work and child support is something that is not always there.  There is also not the emotional support either.  Even though my husband is half way across the world I still have him to encourage me and  support me.  So if you are wondering how I have been able to make it and not be found drooling in the corner talking to myself, that is how.  I have the support of a wonderful husband.  He encourages me when I am stressed.  He encourages me when I deal with slander and gossip.  He is romantic and knows my love language and has learned to speak it. (good thing it is words of affirmation and not gifts or we would be bankrupt)  I am thankful for skype, Facebook, and IM.  I am thankful when he does get to call a few times a week to hear his voice even if it is not always clear.  I am thankful we are NOT doing this 30 years ago where I probably would not have the opportunities I do today.  I am thankful for technology.  He helps me to strive to be better and to be strong.  He even when coming home for his R&R did not sit and do nothing which I totally expected and would have been fine with.  He let me nap.  He did housework.  He took the kids out.  He is everything I could have ever asked for in a husband, father, and friend.  I love him.  I truly love him.  This love is not that feeling you have when first dating or even first married.  It is something that can not be expressed into words.  It is something that has developed over time.  It is something I am thankful for and am glad that even when things seemed hopeless, at one point, it has gotten us through and can look back and say "so glad we did not give up and call it quits."  The love we have is "the real deal".

so I blog.....

so I blog today.  I tend to need to not do it as much as I would like until something tragic happens.  the tragedy did not happen to me.  the tragedy happened to one of my dear friends. Her brother -n -law.  He died serving this country.  He died in the same country my husband is in now.  He died by getting hit with an IED which is what my husband deals with everyday practically.  (I however like to pretend he rides unicorns and dances with leprechauns and throws glitter) Am I worried now it will happen to him? Not anymore than I do daily.  I actually don't even consider it worry, more concern.  I can't go there.  It won't do any good.  I can not control what goes on there so to worry is just pointless and will cause undo stress.  My four children need me to be strong and be calm.  It just hit so close and causes extreme empathy.  I feel for her and I hurt for her and my friend's family.  I can only slightly begin to imagine the grief and heartache but even then it is not the same and I do not fully have a grasp on what they are going through.  This could happen to us.  non combat zone my patootie.  I do wish he were here today more than ever.  I do only have a few more mere weeks when he actually will be.  I have Christ to cling to.  He has taken the tears I have shed today, the questions and the words of the unfairness of this, and the words I will not write or repeat of what I think of the terrorists.  Christ can take it.  Christ gives me the hope I need to continue on these next few weeks which will seem like they are going to drag.  It is the life if the army wife.  It is not ideal.  It is not what I always want but it is the life I have at the moment.  It is never constant.  It is never anything I can exactly plan for.  It is never anything I expect to be .  It has most importantly to completely trust God to take care of our needs and dependence on Him.  that is what I desire.  If it takes me being in this army life to do that, then I will do it proudly and until God says otherwise.