Monday, August 27, 2012


This week starts the new adventure for my children.  WEe have switched from home school to sending them to public school.  A few have asked why.  I am sure many more wonder but don't know how to ask.  There are many reasons for doing so.  Here is our story as to why...

My life for many years has been chaos and me trying to control the chaos.  This scenario makes it impossible to home school effectively.  Most reading this know what I have been healed from..  go here to find out what.  I have had to rescue my children from everything.  every hurt, every obstacle, and every discomfort.  I took on every single thing as if it were me going through it.  My children have learned behaviors in how to deal with life and not in a good way.  This is being remedied.

I have not always home schooled.  I sent my two older ones to a private school on a voucher for a few years.  They went to a half year of public school.  Janessa was in third grade and Abby was in second when I pulled them out.  I pulled Janessa out over Christmas break because she was having major listening and paying attention issues.  She was defiant.  I could not admit this then.  I said "Not my child.  My child is not and that teacher is crazy.  This is an injustice and I will now home school her. "  We then pulled Abby out a couple months later over spring break due to me having to drive her 20 min there and back because I did not want her going to a school in my neighborhood that I was convinced was just atrocious. ( I don't even know if this is true) So we made the adventure and I was very set on doing it a certain way and achieving absolute perfection.  The pressure on them was just ridiculous.  There was no room for creativity and being open to learning different ways.  We also never really went anywhere or did many activities that I am sure they would love to be involved with due to my own mental state.  I made everything look all together and controlled and to all looking seemed like it was all going perfectly.  Meanwhile, it was chaos.  There was lots of yelling  and lots of expectations.  Lots of just doing paperwork only and that is how we do school...PERIOD.    For three and a half years this is what we did.  Me expecting perfection, and due to this holding them back from excelling greatly.  So they are behind their peers when it comes to math a couple years.  So after my eyes have been opened to how I have been, I came to the realization that me continuing to home school them is just not fair to them.  I have not challenged them enough.  I have not let them fail to be able to learn form their mistakes.  I have kept them from doing fun projects and experiments because  " I am not that mom"   I have kept them from interacting with other children as much has possible unless it was controlled by me because I feared them turning into an after school tv special.   I had to swallow my pride and realize I have done so much wrong to them.  I have dealt with so much guilt in my mistakes of what I have done to them.  It is a process of me learning to let it go in my healing.  I know that they will grow past this and become who God intends them to be and not repeat "the crazy"  This is just me sharing my heart.

I held on to the control of doing this because I convinced my self of many lies.

1.  my children just can't handle it out there.  It is scary.  they can't handle what is out there.  I must protect them from it.  (I have not given my children enough credit in their abilities and strengths)

2.  what on earth will my home school mom friends think when I decide to switch? I can't let them think I am incapable of this (this is so not even remotely true)

3.  what will the non home school moms think after I have been so against public school for this many years and how home school is soooooo much better for every child that I am now sending them to school? ( I apologize for that attitude to any of you reading this on the receiving end of that one.)

these three lies just made me stuck.    It was not until I started healing my mind that I could let go of them and realize these three truths

1.  My children are strong and capable of handling whatever comes their way and with the guidance of Doug and I can guide them into being everything God intends them to be

2.  It does not matter what anybody thinks.  I am doing what is best and what will work for our family.

3.  Home schooling is wonderful when it is done in a well balanced household with healthy minded parents.  I truly am in awe and amazed when I see a great effective home school family.   It truly is a wonderful blessing that can be fun and amazing.  Public school is not evil and there are issues but we can work through them.  I will be an involved parent and be my child's advocate.

so we start the new adventure.  We look forward to many more.  Many more God filled and God glorifying experiences.  Things that people will look at and say "only God".  Because there is no other explanation of how we are where we are.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


I have become undone.....completely and totally undone.  It is like I have been wrapped in a safe cocoon and just bounced around.  If you have ever watched a butterfly emerge from its cocoon I have come undone like that.  Except it took me thirty something years to do.  So I hung on by what looks like a fine thread and just wriggled around until I broke free for years.  something beautiful and wonderful emerged.  Everybody else could see the beauty,  I could not until I broke free.  I broke free from the codependence.  Something I did not even realize I was until a month ago.   Every single stinkin characteristic.  I now am actively shedding every single stinkin characteristic.   See, I never thought I was.  I had the wrong definition.  It was my defense mechanism.  It was a learned behavior.  I am now having to unlearn it.   Doing so has transformed my life.  It has transformed my marriage.  It is transforming my children.  I have broken the ugly dirty cycle that by God's grace will end and not continue through generation after generation.   God has been glorified amazingly.  There are no other explanations as to how we have all broken free.

A marriage has been restored when it seemed hopeless

There is peace where there was none.

There is no longer the yelling and screaming because of the trying to control every single aspect in my house

There is trust in God when there are things needed that I know will be supplied...eventually.

There are no panic moments with the previous statement as to me trying to make it happen.

There are things that I have let go of and am willing to start new adventures with

My girls are being allowed to flourish and blossom without me holding them back anymore.

My husband and I are in a new phase of getting to know our new selves and trusting each other to be real with each other.

My house is a happier place to be in.

I am trusting and being more positive daily with those I interact with.

I am not perfect and make mistakes but I am willing to admit to them right away without carrying guilt around for years and years.

I am living in the freedom Christ has given me......FINALLY!!!!!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

not the same

I am not the same. I am not the person I was three weeks ago.  I am not the person I was yesterday.  I have told that person she is no longer welcome to be a part of me.  That person was a controlling, manipulative, pitiful, must fix everybody, need people to need her, martyr not in a good way, do what everybody else thinks you should.   I did not love me.  I did not see me as God sees me.  I did not have confidence in any decision, any feeling, or basically anything about me.  I pretended to know what people were talking about when I didn't and would say I understand, when I didn't.  I discovered this three weeks ago.  Three weeks ago I said no more.  I am actively pursuing  re-training my brain.  I now love me.  I am learning to love me more and more everyday.  I am learning to see myself as God sees me.  

I voice how I feel.  I actively pursue not pointing fingers and judging others.

 I am now doing things I love and getting out of worrying about if this will be approved by others or what others will think of me doing whatever it is I am doing.

I no longer do things for others that they can do themselves and no longer put guilt on myself  in what others do or don't do.  I no longer apologize for others choices as if  I did them.

I no longer feel guilt over gifts and offers of help.  I accept them gladly

I am more concerned with fixing me and me only. 

I love teens.  I love children.  I love praying with them.  I love just being around them.

I am actively working on not telling you what I think you should do and convincing myself that I am just encouraging you.

I love to sing.  I love praise and worship to Jesus.  

I love to run and will always do so.  I want to do Crossfit.

I love to read and will read whatever book I can get my hands...controversial or not.  except 50 Shades of Grey or smutty romance.  I have no desire to read porn.  

I am proud of my accomplishments and prayerfully considering working with what I got a degree in.  because I want to.  However, I want to make sure I am still doing what God is calling me to.

I am learning the only one I want to care who has an opinion of me is the One who created me.

I love to write. 

I love my church. I love the prayers that have been answered about me and my family.

I love my sponsor.  She was sent to me straight from God, in God's timing when I was convinced I did not need to be different.  

I love all the new people that God has put into my path and leading me into ministries that just make my heart overflow these past three weeks.

I no longer eat out of emotion.  I only eat when I am hungry.  This may concern my mother who thought I was anorexic as a 6 year old because I only ate when I was hungry and looked like a poster child for "FEED THE CHILDREN"  (gotta have some humor in my revelations)  

I look in the mirror and love that person.  This makes me cry because it has been a very long time since I could truly say that and believe it

Saturday, August 11, 2012

running through mud puddles

again, I blog in my head while I run.  These past couple months have led to some great discoveries about myself. Some revealed this week.  There have been good things.  There have been some very hard things I have to deal with in myself.  Today I did something that signified some freedom.  I ran through a mud puddle.  To those reading this, that may be insignificant.  For me it is huge.  I have always wanted to jump in mud puddles.  that part of me that just wants to do it.  then my, what I call "my crazy" takes over and convinces me why I shouldn't.  what will everybody think? what will people say?  That will just look ridiculous to everybody driving by.  You are not thin enough to do that.  Today I decided those things don't matter.  I owned that mud puddle.  I, in "my crazy", will not say or do things that I truly want to out of fear of what everybody else will think.  I have come to the realization.  IT DOESN'T MATTER.    There is only one's opinion that matters...God.  I am His favorite and I am pretty sure He is just fine with me running crazy through the mud puddles.  I want to say what I feel really.  I want to not say I want to do things when I really don't out of fear that person won't like me if I don't do this.  I want to do the things that I know God has truly called me to do and not worry about if I am good enough, equipped enough, or if this will fit into everybody's plans.  God's plans are the only ones that truly matter.    This will be a continuous journey.  I will not do it perfectly.  But God does not ask us to do things perfectly.  He just asks us to do them.

Monday, August 6, 2012

running towards grace

running is therapy. you naysayers say what you want, but it truly is.  It is the time I clear my head.  It is the time I usually blog in my head.  These past couple weeks  has truly just been so thick with God's presence, I can feel it.  It is a minuscule glimpse of what it will be like in His presence when I leave this place.  It is overwhelming.  People have been brought into my life these past couple weeks that have just straight up come from God.  Friendships are developing and old ones are being rekindled.  I have been encouraged and have been able to encourage others.  I have been dealing with "my stuff" as well. It has been freeing.  It has come through working with my Alanon sponsor.  I started intitally because somebody else wanted me too.  I thought I am not the one with the problem but whatever.   I started dealing, unwillingly with the resentments.  Resentments I never knew were there.  Resentments I should not have because when I gave my life to Christ I should have let them go right at the cross.  Instead, I chose to give everything over but my resentments.  I basically surrendered all but that one thing.  I held onto them like a flotation device.  In some weird way they brought me a sense of normal.  It was how I thought I could control the situation.  If I hold onto these, then eventually the people I am holding resentments against will do it my way or another.  That worked well....NOT.  The thing with resentments is we hold on to them because we don't want to deal with what are part is in them.  Resentments come from wrong that has been done to us.  Some are tragic.  Some should never happen to any person on this planet.  It is how we handle it that becomes the problem.  A lot of times we want God to take his vengeance right there.  We think they do not deserve grace.  We think I am surely  going to stay resentful until they do what I think they should.  again this works well....NOT.  A recurring theme of revelation with my resentments

1. I can't change them
2.  I cant make them do what I think they should
3.  unrealistic expectations

So I deal with my part in these.  My type A personality wants to not have me admit my part, My sin in this, my  fault in this.  Admitting and asking God to forgive me is FREEING.  I can not stress the freedom enough.  My life is peaceful.  I can tell when I need to inventory, as it is called.  Somebody will do something to upset me.  I hold on to it and stew about it.  I push it down deep so I can hide it and bring it out at another day to wallow in my misery.  I then take it out on anybody within my grasp.  momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  I don't want to live that insanity anymore.  I want to be content.  I want to be free.  I want to live in Christ and just daily live in his presence so thick I can touch it.  I want Christ to be so thick in his presence that it just oozes out of me and it so obvious there is something different about me.  This freedom is for everybody.  everybody should be able to experience it.  We just have to be willing to let go and let God.