Tuesday, September 29, 2009

unfailing love

I love my bible study.  I love Beth Moore.  I love that God has used her in mighty ways through her bible studies to show me areas where I need to grow and change.  This week we are studying about God's unfailing love.  God's unfailing love goes out to everybody that are willing to except it.  even the ones that I think don't deserve it.  Because I sure did not deserve it when I accepted it. He also disciplines those he loves and sometimes will allow us to get into depression and hard circumstances so the only thing we can do is seek Him.  He also disciplines each one of us differently.  This of course brings me to thinking about my own children.  All three are different.  completely different.   So different that I have had to pray for wisdom on how to discipline.  What works withone does not work with the other.  For example, Janessa is my computer queen.  Loves anything that has to do with electronics.  She loves the Wii, the computer, her DS.  Heck, she would play all three at the same time if she could.  For her, taking away electronics is pure torture and usually takes care of whatever the issue is.  This will not work with Abby.  Abby could care less if I take electronics away.  With her, it is her webkins and baby doll.  The final straw would be the panda bear that never leaves her side.  This usually makes her straighten up real quick when I start taking those away one at a time.  If I did this with Janessa she would be like big deal.  Hannah we are still figuring out but usually a harsher tone and spankings does the trick.  Spankings with Janessa and Abby are just not effective as much anymore.   This has been a definite learning process and wish I would have figured it out sooner.  It would have saved me a lot of aggravation along the way.  If I can encourage anybody, just know that God disciplines those he loves and if we love our children we will do the same.  we just need to learn what way works and seek GOd for the answers since he knows all of them anyway

Monday, September 28, 2009

the birthday girl

so I sit here and think to myself " I actually have a ten year old"  I am entering new territory...double digits and the area called 'tween'  not a teeneger, but not a little kid.  She is my Janessa Rose.  She came into this world by induction.  She was due on Sept 15th.  She was born on Sept 28th, 1999.  thirteen days late.   This also gives insight into her personality as well.  She takes her time on everything, and I mean everything.  She is very type A.  Her clothes are all organized by pants, shirts, long sleeved shirts and then dresses.  The hangers are all grouped by color.  If she feels it can not be done perfectly then she does not want to do it at all.  She also has this confidence I wish I had at her age.  She is confident in who she is as a person.  She is confident in her relationship with Jesus, which to me is the only thing that matters.  She gets that right, everything else will fall into place the way it is supposed to be.  She is very content with playing by herself and does not need the approval of others.  She is who she is and if you don't like her, that is your problem.  She is the one who will reach out to be friends with that one person that is being excluded.  She does not care what you think about what she is doing, even if it is weird and silly.  She loves babies, I mean loves babies..and they love her.  She is always a big help with the little ones wherever we go.  She is fun and so full of life.  She is her own person. 
    We do have our challenges.  She tends to go to "janessa land" a lot.  Her imagination will take over and she will get distracted easily with what she is thinking about.  This can be a challenge when it comes to schooling.  She is the one who has taught me that any expectations you have for your children need to be thrown out the window.  That you need to love them and guide them in the way they should go, not the way you think they should.  She may be only 10, but there is so much about her that I would love to model myself after.   I make sure that she knows everyday she is beautiful, that our love for her is not based on what she does or does not do, and the only one you need to make sure is pleased is the Lord.  She also has a flair for the drama.  Really, I do not know where she gets it from.  haha  everything tends to be exaggerated more than it should.   I recognize the real tears from the fake ones...which to those that don't know her makes me look insensitive but I know the real thing.  Another picture of, we may be able to fool everybody else, but you can't fool God.  I mastered this skill when I grew up, so I can spot it.
     I can not believe it has been ten years.  The  time does go by faster than you could ever imagine.  You forget things.  It is only when you look back at old pictures or videos that you remember.  In a way it makes me sad.  It is bittersweet.   I can't get those moments back and yet I get to enjoy these moments now and raise her the way God wants me too.  I am truly humbled that God picked me to be her Mommy.    I know it is only a matter of time before that "Mommy saying" starts turning into "Mom"  That I will not be the one she comes to her for all her needs.  That she will want to have her privacy more.  She will become more indepedent and realize that she does not need me.  (well unless it is food, money, or laundry  ;)  ) I just hope that she will always feel comfortable to come to me no matter what.  I will choose to love her no matter what.   I will choose to pray for her everyday.  I will choose to let her grow up and become the woman God will have her be

Janessa 9/28/2009 click for video

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Night Light

I absolutely love Terri Blackstock!!   She is awesome.  I literally could neglect everything in my life and engross myself in her books.  I have a previous post  from the first book I read in this series.  Night Light is the second book out of four.  I will be buying the other two on Amazon in the next couple weeks.  There is lots of excitement and suspense that I just wanted to keep reading to find out what happens next.  This is what I love about good christian authors.  I don't have to worry about uneccessary bad language or explcit bedroom details.  These are books I can give to my teenager and not even question or second guess if what they are reading is ok.  Now moving on to a big fat book, Vanity fair, to try to finish my challenge.  It is no longer a link that can be connected to, but here is the link to my previous post so you can see the challenge.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Shack

So this is going to be a two in one blog.  first, to update.  We are settling into our new home in Georgia and adjusting.  We love the neighborhood, love our neighbors, love our new church.  I absolutely love my hubby's work schedule!!!  Which is definitely well deserved especially during the times he will not be with us when he gets deployed or goes out for field training.  These are details I can not give on the internet do to security reasons.  More of my personal thoughts later...

On to my book rerview of  The Shack.  I loved this book.   There is some controversy as to God being portrayed as a woman, but it makes sense when you read it.  (No it is not some feminist agenda.)  What I got out of it is that God will show himself to you what you need him to be at the moment.  He is an awesome God and will do whatever it takes to draw His children to Him.  we, however have to be ready to listen.  Be ready to accept what He is saying to us.  Be ready to do what He is asking us to do.   He can only do so much.  He is not going to force Himself on us.  We are not robots.  We are created with a free will.  He did so because He wants us to desire Him and love Him in the way He loves us.  He desires a relationship not a dictatorship.  This of course makes me humble to know, that despite of who I am, He still wants to have that relatinoship with me.  He never gives up.  He always forgives, even for the same things over and over again.   I am so thankful I am not God.  If I come from a human perspective, I would have given up on me long ago and said forget it, you will never change.  However, He does not work like that.  He knows every thought, every action past, present, and future.  He knows how I will react in ever situation.  Yet, he has open arms.  He will take me in them every time and will forgive me every time.  The beauty of God's forgiveness He remembers the sins no more.  That brings me comfort and gives me the peace I need to know that I can always depend on Him when nothing else is guaranteed.

Monday, September 7, 2009


My two beautiful nieces.  Yup, they are bald. The one on the right has medulablastoma, a type of brain cancer and the left just got her head shaved for her sister.  They are truly two of the most happy little girls I have ever met.  I also want to be like them with the kind of attitude about how they look and how they see other people.   They don't care that they don't have hair.  They don't care how others may look at them.  They don't care what others look like.  They have no judgements about themselves or others.  I want to be just like that.
     I wonder when does this stop?  At what age do we start to really care what others think?  When do the opinions of other people really start to affect us? Seriously, why do we even care.  We all need to go back to being like little children and that is why I believe Jesus said in  Matt 18:2-4 I tell you the truth, unless you change and bcome like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself like this child, is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  If you tell a child that God's word is true than they just believe it. There is only one's opinion we should care about....Jesus.  Jesus does not care what we look like on the outside, but what we look like on the inside.   I want to be just like that.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

just thoughts

so my thoughts today are about my awesome sis n law Barb.  She truly inspires me.  Despite having her daughter having brain cancer she still wants to outreach to others and show them Jesus.  Despite this trial, I believe that lots and lots of people are going to get saved because of it.  Read her blog (just click on her name above).  It will make you cry.  It made me.  I will be crying lots tonight.  Tonight is our last service at our church that we have been members of for 10 years now.  They have been there for us in more ways then we could imagine.  I never imagined worshipping anywhere else.  I can truly say that God has really looked out for us.  We were attending another church at the time when some things happened in our extended family that I am just not willing to share.  All in the past...so I am not bringing up old hurts that have already been forgiven.  My husband got really sick in the hospital.  He had severe headaches and could not even move.  We could not figure out what caused it, nor could they.  You had to look like something out of a sci- fi movie to see him.  We thought it was meningitis, but tests came back negative.   However, they still treated it like it was meningitis and gloves and masks and coverings over you were worn.  So who comes to visit, Pastor Joe  from where my in laws were going. We were not even members and he comes to see how my husband is doing.  That is when we knew what church we were going to start going to and have gone ever since.  A lot of growth and changes in the past 10 years.  It has grown to  about 2000 and yet it still feels small and close.   We can be real and ourselves there.  We don't have to feel like we have to be one way there and then another way at home.  I also love that Pastor Joe always preaches the truth and is always very real and relevant.  He is not only preaching to us, He is allowing God to speak to him as well.  God has used the people of this church to minister, enccourage,pray, and provide for my family and I in ways I can not even begin to express.  I can not even begin to express how heartbreaking it is for me to have to leave.  I know that God has bigger plans but this is where I thought I would always be.  However, we are moving to a place where there is a wonderful chruch.  Savannah Christian Church.  It is very similar to TCC and I know that I will soon feel at home.  They made us feel so welcome we went last weekend and I still get the feeling that despite the enormous size it will feel small and close.   I even feel like I can be me.  Raise my hands in worship and not be uncomfortable doing so even if I am the only one.  They have service on Sat night which I prefer.  They preach the truth with boldness and yet in a loving way.  The most important thing, other than it is so obvious that Jesus is all up in that place, is that my kids had so much fun and want to go back.  I am truly blessed that we don't have to "church shop"...God's blessings truly amaze me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

book review- DR Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I have always wanted to read this.  short, fun, and of so full of hidden meanings.  I believe all of us have two people living inside us.  There is that one that people see, know, and love.  The one that shows your character of who you are.  The one that your best friend knows so much about.  The one that people see when you are out and about doing your daily thing.  But then, there is the one that nobody knows.  The one that is hidden in your deep thoughts.  Things that nobody, not even the people closest to you, not even your best friend knows.  The one that thinks those things that you would never want anybody to know you think.  The one that does the things that you do when you are all alone, good, bad, or indifferent.  However, there is always a spiritual lesson in all of this.  YOU CANT HIDE FROM GOD!!!  God sees and knows all of the things that we do and think.  Even the things about yourself that you think nobody knows about.  God knows, he is there watching.  He gave most of us a conscience so we would not turn into "Mr. Hyde" and act on those impulses. 
     I can also relate this to the spiritual battle that goes on between the flesh and the spirit.  There are times when I actually cant stand the war that goes on inside me between the flesh and the Holy Spirit.  the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak...yeha only weak to doing what God wants it to.  Thank goodness though the Spirit, as long as you feed it on God's word will be strong enough to have that peace and joy that can only come through Jesus Christ..

Thursday, September 3, 2009


so I do not blog enough and I need to more. I have so many thoughts that go through my head all the time. I love to journal but just don't do it. I love to share what I am feeling through blogging because it is a release for me to share write what I am feeling.
well life has been crazy. I am still reading lots. I need to. It is my escape to somewhere and it does not cost a penny. Trust me, I need to escape sometimes. I plan to be more committed in my blogging and hope to bring hope and encouragement to others through some of my posts. Some you may not like because I do not think along the mainstream. I am OK with that. I am just me. What you see is what you get. I am a pretty open book and you don't get many surprises on where I stand or who I am. so with that being said, some updates for you.
Last year as many of you know, is my self proclaimed title "the year of crap" To sum it up for you marriage separation, reconcile, pregnant unplanned, miscarriage when I was starting to be excited about having another one, near divorce, reconciliation of marriage for real because of Christ, and last but not least hubby losing his job. yup it sucked. However, just when I did not think that anything could top it. Here comes 2009. But this time my attitude is way different. I have allowed Christ to be my Lord. Sure he was and is my savior. He absolutely changed lots in me and brought me out of things that should have made me end up dead somewhere, but I still had the attitude of "I am in control" I needed to go through the things I went through all last year so God could get me to the place I am today. I would not change a thing. I could not be in the place of complete trust in Him that I have today without the things that happened.
So, 2009 starts off pretty good. My husband joins the army. Something I completely support and I am so proud of My soldier. But it does come with things that are not hard. So in April he leaves for basic training and school Gone for four months. This is the most we have been separated for 10 years. This was a big adjustment for me and the kids. God gave me the strength and endurance I needed not only for me but our girls. There was only one day that was really bad and I lost control emotionally. We got through it. Around the same time Doug leaving for basic training, Our daughter Abby started throwing up. We associated it with her nerves since she is definitely Daddy's girl and does not handle major life changes well. It would come and go but it definitely progressed as the months went on. Well then last month we find out my adorable 3 year old niece Jael is diagnosed with brain cancer. WHAT? I thought.. she is only supposed to have strep throat. Not her. This happens to other people. This cant be right. Why? So much other things happening this can not be happening now. But then I realized God has a plan. She is so strong. She is so brave. She has not even gotten physically sick with the chemo. Other things are happening that still make me want to scream and stomp my feet and say this is not fair. Heal her God. Heal her now. You can. why does she have to go through all this for the next seven months? then I am reminded like Job, I am not God. He does not think the way I do. I still need to trust Him. So I do. So with this happening, created a sense of urgency that I really need to get Abby to the doctor. This throwing up thing, which now is with every meal and every drink, could be something more. I did have the fear...maybe its cancer. SO we take her to the doctor and after seeing a gastroenterologist, getting a barium scan to see how she is swallowing, then getting an endoscopy, being admitted to the hospital, then getting admitted to Arnold Palmer in Orlando for further testing, getting a manotomy(tube into the nose to the stomach then pull out cm by cm to check the peristalis all while awake), she was diagnosed with Achalasia. Yup, that's what I said acha who? Well, its not her nerves, Its food getting stuck in her esophagus because the muscles wont relax. click on it for details. So she will be getting a Heller Myotomy done to correct it. There is no cure and it could always be something she may have complications. While I was relieved slightly, I still was like what? oh cmon...don't we have enough going on with Jael and moving to GA. oh yeah..I forgot to mention that. we are moving out of state, the place I have lived for 26 years. The same town. My parents still live in the same house. I know how to get around race week like it is not race week. I have my whole entire life there. I will now be officially calling a place that I do not know anybody home. Yet God is still faithful and awesome. He still has a plan. I still serve Him. I still trust him completely in all of this. He has showed me through this that he is blessing me. We have great neighbors that I know we will be good friends with. we have found a new church that we compare a lot to the one we have been going to for nine years. He has given us the opportunity for us to be able to share Christ with our neighbors. He has a purpose and maybe his purpose is for us to lead them to Christ. Imagine what an opportunity for us. and yet I think I cant believe He would choose us for that.
People are watching us and we are told that we have been an encouragement to others. I am truly blessed because they are the ones encouraging me. To keep going, to keep fighting, to not lose faith. Think about, what if God is saying to Satan "have you considered my servant...." to our family? Knowing how we will stand no matter what comes our way. I am humbled if that is so. I also know that if i need to go through the trials to keep me in his word and dependence on Him then so be it. Not that I am inviting the trials to come, but will consider it joy if it keeps me growing in this walk with Christ

by the way Achalasia is very rare like 10 in 100,000 people and mostly middle aged. Even rarer in children. Only rare in other families...in ours things like this are just normal ;)