Friday, May 27, 2011

how i have dealt

These past 10 months have been the slowest yet the fastest of my life.  A lot of people wonder "how does one do this?"  For me I am pretty independent.  I love my husband but he is not what makes me live.  I hear of so many wives who "freak out" and get such undo anxiety due to their husband leaving.  It is like their world ends and they can not continue on unless he is there stuck like an added appendage.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss him.  There are days that I ache for him to be here.  There are days that there were tears because I don't think I can continue in this deployment one more day by myself.  I keep busy.  I go to school.  I raise four children.  I home school three of them and the fourth one is a baby who is in constant need of something.  I crochet.  I read.  I run 3 miles 3 - 4 days a week.  I Zumba with my Wii.  I blog.  I Facebook.  I bible study.  I go to church.  I force myself to socialize when I would rather be a hermit.  This is because my children have friends and I am forced to meet their parents.  I have this rule where my children can not go to another child's house until I meet the parents.  That way if I get the feeling about them that I don't like I can say "no, you cant go there"  Being a hermit would be easy.  Putting myself out there is not.  Yes I am an extrovert but I also am a "sensitive extrovert"  I am not shy but i do not like to get hurt or burned.  I like to think that all are like me and would never intentionally cause pain to me emotionally.  I am wary with trusting others due to this.  It is my protective shield for my heart.  It is why I am slow at becoming close and opening up to people.  It is why I am OK with a handful of friends.  It is why I usually hang out in groups of people and not one on one.  It is something I am daily working to overcome.  It prevents me from helping others in need.  I also daily work on forgiving wrongs done to me.  Eventually it will be true.  It is healing for me because I know that God commands it and in the end unforgiving only hurts me.

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