Thursday, August 16, 2012

not the same

I am not the same. I am not the person I was three weeks ago.  I am not the person I was yesterday.  I have told that person she is no longer welcome to be a part of me.  That person was a controlling, manipulative, pitiful, must fix everybody, need people to need her, martyr not in a good way, do what everybody else thinks you should.   I did not love me.  I did not see me as God sees me.  I did not have confidence in any decision, any feeling, or basically anything about me.  I pretended to know what people were talking about when I didn't and would say I understand, when I didn't.  I discovered this three weeks ago.  Three weeks ago I said no more.  I am actively pursuing  re-training my brain.  I now love me.  I am learning to love me more and more everyday.  I am learning to see myself as God sees me.  

I voice how I feel.  I actively pursue not pointing fingers and judging others.

 I am now doing things I love and getting out of worrying about if this will be approved by others or what others will think of me doing whatever it is I am doing.

I no longer do things for others that they can do themselves and no longer put guilt on myself  in what others do or don't do.  I no longer apologize for others choices as if  I did them.

I no longer feel guilt over gifts and offers of help.  I accept them gladly

I am more concerned with fixing me and me only. 

I love teens.  I love children.  I love praying with them.  I love just being around them.

I am actively working on not telling you what I think you should do and convincing myself that I am just encouraging you.

I love to sing.  I love praise and worship to Jesus.  

I love to run and will always do so.  I want to do Crossfit.

I love to read and will read whatever book I can get my hands...controversial or not.  except 50 Shades of Grey or smutty romance.  I have no desire to read porn.  

I am proud of my accomplishments and prayerfully considering working with what I got a degree in.  because I want to.  However, I want to make sure I am still doing what God is calling me to.

I am learning the only one I want to care who has an opinion of me is the One who created me.

I love to write. 

I love my church. I love the prayers that have been answered about me and my family.

I love my sponsor.  She was sent to me straight from God, in God's timing when I was convinced I did not need to be different.  

I love all the new people that God has put into my path and leading me into ministries that just make my heart overflow these past three weeks.

I no longer eat out of emotion.  I only eat when I am hungry.  This may concern my mother who thought I was anorexic as a 6 year old because I only ate when I was hungry and looked like a poster child for "FEED THE CHILDREN"  (gotta have some humor in my revelations)  

I look in the mirror and love that person.  This makes me cry because it has been a very long time since I could truly say that and believe it

No comments: