Monday, August 6, 2012

running towards grace

running is therapy. you naysayers say what you want, but it truly is.  It is the time I clear my head.  It is the time I usually blog in my head.  These past couple weeks  has truly just been so thick with God's presence, I can feel it.  It is a minuscule glimpse of what it will be like in His presence when I leave this place.  It is overwhelming.  People have been brought into my life these past couple weeks that have just straight up come from God.  Friendships are developing and old ones are being rekindled.  I have been encouraged and have been able to encourage others.  I have been dealing with "my stuff" as well. It has been freeing.  It has come through working with my Alanon sponsor.  I started intitally because somebody else wanted me too.  I thought I am not the one with the problem but whatever.   I started dealing, unwillingly with the resentments.  Resentments I never knew were there.  Resentments I should not have because when I gave my life to Christ I should have let them go right at the cross.  Instead, I chose to give everything over but my resentments.  I basically surrendered all but that one thing.  I held onto them like a flotation device.  In some weird way they brought me a sense of normal.  It was how I thought I could control the situation.  If I hold onto these, then eventually the people I am holding resentments against will do it my way or another.  That worked well....NOT.  The thing with resentments is we hold on to them because we don't want to deal with what are part is in them.  Resentments come from wrong that has been done to us.  Some are tragic.  Some should never happen to any person on this planet.  It is how we handle it that becomes the problem.  A lot of times we want God to take his vengeance right there.  We think they do not deserve grace.  We think I am surely  going to stay resentful until they do what I think they should.  again this works well....NOT.  A recurring theme of revelation with my resentments

1. I can't change them
2.  I cant make them do what I think they should
3.  unrealistic expectations

So I deal with my part in these.  My type A personality wants to not have me admit my part, My sin in this, my  fault in this.  Admitting and asking God to forgive me is FREEING.  I can not stress the freedom enough.  My life is peaceful.  I can tell when I need to inventory, as it is called.  Somebody will do something to upset me.  I hold on to it and stew about it.  I push it down deep so I can hide it and bring it out at another day to wallow in my misery.  I then take it out on anybody within my grasp.  momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  I don't want to live that insanity anymore.  I want to be content.  I want to be free.  I want to live in Christ and just daily live in his presence so thick I can touch it.  I want Christ to be so thick in his presence that it just oozes out of me and it so obvious there is something different about me.  This freedom is for everybody.  everybody should be able to experience it.  We just have to be willing to let go and let God.

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