back from the storm

It has been a long long timesince Ihave truly blogged. I have not even had the will to read and that is just plain wrong. I will share without getting into every nitty gritty detail. (I swear, I could charge admission to my crazy world) I have been going through some very tough personal struggles this past year This year has been one complete challenge from the start. A seperation in January...getting back together...getting pregnant while thinking I am so happy to not have to ever have to deal with babies again...getting excited about having another baby, to only have that dream ripped right from you with a miscarriage....getting on anti depressants (what I like to call happy pills... to almost completely ending my marriage...and to now reconciling. My husband is becoming the man I have longed him to be. A leader and my best friend. He makes me feel safe and protected. I have the confidence in him that we will get through whatever comes our way together. However, I claiming it now. I BELIEVE THAT THE REST OF THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE GREAT. I do not even know how I would have gotten through this year without my relationship with Jesus and my wonderful sisters in Christ who encouraged me to keep going when I was ready to give up completely. This has been a big time of testing and strength building. I believe that God has used these tough times I have had to help me to know him in ways I never would have otherwise. It is like the song says:

And I know

There’ll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that’s what it takes to praise You

Jesus Bring the Rain

Some of you may think "that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. why would you want to be in misery and pain just to be close to GOd?" Let me clarify I DON"T!!!!. However, if what I go through makes me turn to Him and depend on him completely than, so be it. Let me just tell you a little bit about me. I am a first born, typical type A personality. I also can be very, very, very indepedent. This can be good especially if something were to happen to my darling and wonderful husband that I would have no fear of taking care of myself and three children. However, this can be bad, expecially when I start thinking the way I want to do things is the best way...especailly when I think I can do it better than what God has planned (I believe Lucifer had this same problem and look what happened to him...) I also tend to be stubborn and have a lot of pride that tends to make me take a long, long, time to realize that the way I do things may not be right. I will admit...I do not like to be wrong and I like to think that nothing is ever my fault, especalliy in my marriage. God has really shown me that what has gone wrong is not 100% my husband's fault. oh come on? are you serious? no! no! no! I argued with GOd, (which we all know always works...yeah right) this can not be possibly be any fault of mine. I then did something which one should never do unless you are fully prepared for what you are asking. I prayed for my eyes to be open and to be shown where I have messed up and been wrong...Let's just say...not a pretty sight when God shows you who you really are....which led me to complete brokeness, repentance, and forgiveness...just the place I needed to be. I have learned and I am still learning. God is in control, even when things look dismal and impossible. I am learning to put myself in the place to allow my husband to lead (no I am not a doormat, I am just not trying to take control of everything) and to also allow God to lead me and listen to his voice even if I can not see what the outcome is at the moment...especially in the area of finances. My husband and I have made very stupid choices over the years and finally I have just thrown up my hands and said forget it. God will take care of us. Are there consequences to the stupid choices ? YES...such as my car getting taken away and probably claiming bankruptcy...but for the first time I don't care. It is just stuff. I am blessed beyond what I deserved and have not given respect to the One who gave it to us. Besides , none of it is mine...It is all God's, He just allows me to enjoy it. He created this world and all that is in it therefore, it belongs to Him. I do not want to hold on so tightly to what we have here....last time I checked you can't take your car and house to heaven. By the way..I have a "new to me" car that is much more affordable and will be paid off in a year. I am just choosing to live for today and not worry about how things will get paid. As long as we are wise with the money that God blesses us with then all will get taken care of. I am so much more at peace and happy now then I have been in my entire life. I finally realize for the first what it means to live Free and be under the authority of God at the same time....and there no place I would rather be.