And I know
There’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus Bring the Rain
Some of you may think "that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. why would you want to be in misery and pain just to be close to GOd?" Let me clarify I DON"T!!!!. However, if what I go through makes me turn to Him and depend on him completely than, so be it. Let me just tell you a little bit about me. I am a first born, typical type A personality. I also can be very, very, very indepedent. This can be good especially if something were to happen to my darling and wonderful husband that I would have no fear of taking care of myself and three children. However, this can be bad, expecially when I start thinking the way I want to do things is the best way...especailly when I think I can do it better than what God has planned (I believe Lucifer had this same problem and look what happened to him...) I also tend to be stubborn and have a lot of pride that tends to make me take a long, long, time to realize that the way I do things may not be right. I will admit...I do not like to be wrong and I like to think that nothing is ever my fault, especalliy in my marriage. God has really shown me that what has gone wrong is not 100% my husband's fault. oh come on? are you serious? no! no! no! I argued with GOd, (which we all know always works...yeah right) this can not be possibly be any fault of mine. I then did something which one should never do unless you are fully prepared for what you are asking. I prayed for my eyes to be open and to be shown where I have messed up and been wrong...Let's just say...not a pretty sight when God shows you who you really are....which led me to complete brokeness, repentance, and forgiveness...just the place I needed to be. I have learned and I am still learning. God is in control, even when things look dismal and impossible. I am learning to put myself in the place to allow my husband to lead (no I am not a doormat, I am just not trying to take control of everything) and to also allow God to lead me and listen to his voice even if I can not see what the outcome is at the moment...especially in the area of finances. My husband and I have made very stupid choices over the years and finally I have just thrown up my hands and said forget it. God will take care of us. Are there consequences to the stupid choices ? YES...such as my car getting taken away and probably claiming bankruptcy...but for the first time I don't care. It is just stuff. I am blessed beyond what I deserved and have not given respect to the One who gave it to us. Besides , none of it is mine...It is all God's, He just allows me to enjoy it. He created this world and all that is in it therefore, it belongs to Him. I do not want to hold on so tightly to what we have here....last time I checked you can't take your car and house to heaven. By the way..I have a "new to me" car that is much more affordable and will be paid off in a year. I am just choosing to live for today and not worry about how things will get paid. As long as we are wise with the money that God blesses us with then all will get taken care of. I am so much more at peace and happy now then I have been in my entire life. I finally realize for the first what it means to live Free and be under the authority of God at the same time....and there no place I would rather be.